1337 1iF3 101

Road to Redemption

2011-06-29T00:12:00.000-05:00

So here I am again. At midnight, blabbing on about how I should have fixed my problems in the past before they came back up to bite me in the present setting of summer. But that's the thing with life, it's unpredictable. One day, you could feel like a million bucks and everything is going your way. The next day may be the worst day ever. And so begins my own "Road To Redemption"

The next couple of posts(1-3) will document the different phases I have gone through that involved me throughout school. I will further investigate what I did exactly wrong, how I dealt with my biggest failures, and what I'm doing now to move past it, fight back, and take the offensive and not fall into the same trap as I did before.

I'll touch base on the first part of this series, then I'll continue into a full post later. The first part is simple: Failure.

Failure has followed me for quite some time now, from my early days of high school, as an emerging and misunderstood artist, to the present of my career at OSU. Everything was riding on the line for me to get into that design program. The hours, money, people I talked to, resources, preparation, all of it was sloppily organized which led to my ultimate downfall. But in my own defense, I never saw it coming at all. Who would have known that despite me being jobless during school, 3 hardcore design classes would kick my ass back to yesterday. And no one warned me of the strict protocol that the teachers abided by when it came to review. I had to learn things the hard way.

So if it isn't obvious now, the Portfolio came and went. I survived judgment day, but I didn't defeat it. I didn't make the cut. My advisor(who is on the borderline of completely useless) told me that I was ranked the lowest, I should move on to something else, and that it would be an uphill battle to redeem myself if I were to try it again. Top that your situation sucks cake with that I have to wait an entire year and maybe have a 50% chance of getting back into the first design classes again. So I might not even get in to be able to try again.

Failure had struck me so suddenly, I didn't know how to react. At first, I was angered. I paid money(from the gov) into this program and I'm not in the program within the school? It doesn't make any sense!?! But from a different and calm perspective, they take the best, not the worst. They're too uber 1337 to pick just anyone...

And that's just the beginning. I have a long road ahead of me, but this summer has been worth it so far. We'll see how the trilogy develops for me. One day at a time.

Excuse me, but you forgot this!

2011-02-27T23:41:00.003-06:00

Hey Jordan, you forgot your ring man!

Things are going by pretty fast in my little time vortex. It was just yesterday I picked up my books, resented my brother's prolonged stay, and pondered again about where I was going to be 5 years from now. But alas, my thoughts have directed me to focus on the events happening at hand.

Something that I really has implanted itself within my mind lately is this one thought: Do those that have great talent in something ever consider or realize that there are others that are envious or even jealous of them? And do they think it's something that comes easily without any persistence or patience? Despite the belief that some people don't have natural talent, I believe the complete opposite. It really is tough to be an art major and have no coordination or sense of design and expect yourself to be successful. And for others, it can come completely naturally to them, enabling them to visually express themselves with little to no frustration.

This same concept can be applied to almost anyone that has a great talent. Or even a fictitious character such as the Green Lantern. The instant that he was chosen by the dying alien to become the Green Lantern, Hal Jordan was a top air force pilot. And that meant that he excelled at something before he became even more badass.

This takes me back to a conversation I had previously this week with my professor. He comes from New York, where design reigns supreme and if you weren't "in" with it, you'd be lost from the get go. I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to appeal to his expectations, when everyone else seems to be doing better than me. Yes, I could sit here and complain, but I feel my efforts to talk to him about my struggles were in vein. He even mentioned on my first project I had the worst craftsmanship he's ever seen. It was harsh of him to say that, but 2 things:
1. He at least recognized my work for something. Bad as it was, it was still the most extreme of one spectrum.
2. Although I haven't quite figured out what he enjoys yet in design, I do have to agree with him that complimentary comments won't help anyone grow as an artist/designer. There needs to be criticism of the "constructive" kind, but teachers at OSU forget that and go with the brutal/extremely anal approach.

Anyways, the talk I had with my professor was to figure out what I was doing wrong in class. I tried to tell him in simplest terms that I felt like a failure to myself and him. I wasn't performing well in class and I wanted to get better. To be perfectly honest, this was the first conversation in my life where I didn't get the feedback I desired from him.

The most sincere thing he ever said to me was that he felt I was a laid back person and a nice kid. That's it? Really? Nothing about my creativity or work? Does he not understand why I'm struggling/ not clicking well in his class? Does he not get why I'm not enjoying this class as much as I'm enjoying Type 1(which is supposed to be the most brutal out of the 3)? Do things not click for him well enough to understand that I am freaking struggling in his class because he is failing to recognize my inability as a designer to get past my own limitations?

He didn't give me any encouraging words of hope. He didn't know what or how to tell me that things would be ok and I had to keep trying. He just simply kept reinforcing the fact that I had to work on expressing my ideas more vividly and speak up more. And to a point, I understood that. The conversation wasn't what I really wanted it to be. I was really expecting him to give me some words of hope, anything alluding to his past struggles as a designer in school, trying to figure out how to perfect his craft. This didn't happen. Some people are just so conceited enough not even to remember the fact that there had to be a point in their lives where they struggled. And this is where I begin my questioning...

How is it that he never alluded to his own past career as a design major? Surely I'm not the only one thinking at one point in time that maybe graphic design wasn't my hobby(and yes, he gave the cliche' talk about "maybe graphic design isn't for everyone and some people excel at different fields than design". I have had the talk about 5 times since I've got to OSU that I've become so callace to it and becoming immune to the elimination of the washouts from the program.)

So I'm thinking(not assuming) from my talk I had with him he's always been an extremely estute, creative, and flawless designer. He's never had a doubt in his mind that he was a failure and has always gone forward with his own plans. Is it wise to call his personally overly conceited or overwhelmingly confident that he can't recognize when one of his design students isn't "getting with the program" and is extremely frightened he won't get into the design program this upcoming April. I guess that's something of the past for him to worry about.

You know the worst thing ever about being a designer? Vulnerability. You're going to be shot down 95/100 times on every project idea you present to your boss/teacher/etc. and it's because they don't like what direction you're going with your idea. Or they don't understand it. Or it's just one element of your idea they don't like about it. Is this what it's really going to be like when I get into the design world? Will working for a major video game developer suck as bad as taking orders/assignments from design teachers that love you so much when you do something well, but destroy your spirit and incinerate your own inner ambitions of ever becoming a designer that you want to give up? Or will it be the opposite? I truly hope so for future generations of designers that the design field is still competitive, but more compassionate. I understand that it's the professor's job to train them to be the best, but would it hurt to throw in a little bit of humanity within their soul? I honestly can say that if I were a teacher, I would imperatively stress how important these classes are, but not to the point where I would break a kid's own spirit and question their inabilities as a designer.

I can say this. I do enjoy my design classes. They give my life meaning now, and are extremely challenging. I'm struggling to keep my grades up in the classes because I don't know what I can do to appeal to my teachers. And if I don't survive in one class, it's the other that's on my ass about my other project. My other design professor said it was stupid I am taking all 3 classes, but I don't have anything to lose at this point. I have no job, I'm a full time student and I should be dedicating all of my effort to my own projects. To an extent, I have improved from last semester, but that doesn't cut it. I have to go beyond my own limitations and expectations to do well in this class. I went from being praised and complimented for my own potential to brutally cut down verbally for my poor craftsmanship. In the blink of an eye my self esteem plummeted, but I guess I have to develop a thick skin to criticism and take it. These teachers are hard asses and they won't seem to lighten up. I have to get used to it or get off the train at that point.

April is judgment day(for all designers at OSU) It is the day where you gather and organize all of the work you have created within 3 months(January-April ) and lay it before the review board. They decide your fate and whether or not the 50,000 dollars that you're pumping into the school for a new stadium will pay off. Or they reject you, and have to spend another year retaking all of the classes recreating new material for your portfolio.

This is how things are at OSU. You get one and only one chance per year to make it through review. To appeal to the senses of design, communication, ideas conveyed, and craftsmanship of the review board to let you in. And every design major puts their cards on the line to be presented like a dog at a fellow grooming show, hoping that the judges applaud your work and let you in. Or you are booed and destroyed with your fractured spirit, like what Simon did on American Idol. To work so hard for something just to see your dreams shattered within a blink of an eye. And from there you either pick up the pieces, rebuild, and fight on until the next review. Or you never recover, devestated by your rejection, you give up, and either:
a. Become a failure at completing a degree you already have at an Associate's level but no bachelor's
b. Try to find a new major, giving up all the 5 years of school you invested into an art program that was your true calling to begin with but was shot down due to inability to please 5 people on a review committee that don't care that you're going to be paying your way out of debt until you're 45 to pay off school but instead want you to throw more money into other programs instead, and feel stupid that you couldn't get into a program you already paid money for........

This was mainly for my own venting, but to make this in terms for everyone to understand: Sometimes one's own expectations aren't attainable. Girls expect to find their dream guy with a 6 pack, strength of an ox, be an amazing lover, and completely obedient to them alone. And guys aren't any better. We still search for the imaginary and unattainable lover that has the body of a super model, a wild animal as a lover, super intelligent, and doesn't talk much. It's because of this array of people that makes life much more difficult who have been struggling to begin with to find confidence within themselves. And as frustrating as this is, we can either choose to surrender, give up on our own hopes and dreams for the future. Or we can choose to be resilient, stand up to the challenge before us and with our own persistence will lead us to endure. With this endurance as Saosin once sang" you will live to tell" your story and what you had to overcome. When everyone and everything in this world is against you, 2 things are what will keep you going. The first is God(disregard if you're of another affiliation of religion) and he's always got your back no matter what happens to you. He's there to talk to you when you're going through your roughest day, week, year, or just your entire life. And the second is yourself. You have to be the other force in your life(besides a spiritual entity that you believe in if you do) that has to tell yourself this: When no one else believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. You are the deciding and exponential factor that has the ability to change your own destiny at every ticking second that goes by to make a better life for yourself. To give up would be great cowardice, and you would have no one to blame but yourself for taking this path. If you are to fight a battle that is difficult, you might as well give it everything you can summon within yourself.

And that, my friends, is something worth fighting for.

Good night everyone.

Chapter 11: Tabula Rasa

2011-01-22T23:16:00.002-06:00

Hmm... Something tells me I've been here before.
Things change. And so do people. Whether or not you choose to accept it is up to you. In my own case, I choose to fight it.
One thing I've started to question is this: Where did my weekends ever go? They used to be the best times I've ever had in the world to just chill and not worry about everything. But they're a mere remnant of the past. I had 3 whole days to do anything I could squeeze in 72 hours. I had the ultimate list of things to do on a Saturday. But look where I am today. It's a Saturday night. Almost 11. And I'll fall asleep in 2 hours, waking up to a Sunday with a day to try to get things accomplished. It all seems like a pipe dream now. I was a weekend warrior. I was up for anything and everything(as long as it was legal). Now my weekends aren't even worth it anymore. I might as well be in school 7 days a week. I don't talk to hardly anyone, but at least I have something to do.

There was a time when the weekends were filled with so much opportunity. I'd either chill on my own, pop in a movie, pick up a pizza, and play video games until all I was dreaming about was saving the universe. And I was happy. I didn't need to interact with other people, but when it happened, I allowed it to happen. I was content with making my weekends simple.

Other times, I'd meet up with a friend, we'd shoot the breeze at the local coffee shop, maybe chat up some random people(maybe the ladies) and from there, we'd grab food and just completely chill. Things at that time just rocked beyond anything.

Those days are now erased. Where are they now? I don't even know. They are in an inescapable wonderland , where you don't have to worry about tomorrow, you live in the moment. And with that, you could care less that Monday morning you're going to be staring at other people in a room you could care less about. Or back to a job that you extremely hate, but it puts food on the table. The weekend was based on carpe noctem. The entire element of this is now gone from my vocabulary. So much for doing that anymore...

I might as will surrender my social life and purely dedicate myself to doing school work. Just like everyone else in this boring world. Yah(sarcasm)

I believe that's what I'm really destined for. Going through this world solo. Just me, my family, and God are those that I can rely on. I won't have to be let down every time I invest 2 years into a potential friendship watching it collapse from the inside. It will save me the trouble of being counter productive.

This new year. New semester. New everything. It is my one chance again to take advantage of what I have thrown at me and make the best of it. Sure, I may have to sacrifice having an ever-standing best friend, but sacrifices must be made to ensure my own success.

I do apologize for my dreary attitude on things. They aren't going as I wanted them to go. If I had my own way, I would literally not be in this ba-humbug mood as I type. I would channel that energy into other hobbies that I have.

And for Landon. It probably doesn't matter, but this is for you man. We had a good run. 2 years of a developed friendship probably didn't mean much to you, but it did for me. You're moving on, and I am struggling. We'll still be friends, but I've already foreshadowed this to happen. We're both destined for other things in our lives. You feel it's necessary to get out of this entire region to feel important. That it's something you have to do. And as much as I hate that, and I don't agree with it, I'll respect it.

That's really it. I am losing a friend that I've invested 2 years in building a friendship with. I've grown as a person, spiritually and mentally, but I have to learn to adapt and endure. This will, too, in time pass and I'll eventually move on. He's physically moving on to some other place. We may meet up again in a year. 2 years. Or never again, but I will be thankful to have 2 years of some awesome pwnage around the town of Stillwater with him, despite never being able to land a double date. haha.

So begins a new chapter. A quest to find a new best bro. Do you have what it takes? Probably not, but go ahead and try anyways. I'm always open to meeting new people, regardless of background. As long as you don't do something creepy like sell used body parts in the dark alleys of a big city, then we're solid.
I'll find a new best friend some day. Some month. Or some year. And when that happens, it will be legen-dary(as NPH would say)

Good night world.

A dream I once had...........................

2011-01-07T17:06:00.001-06:00

A few nights back, I had one of the strangest dreams ever. And within this dream, was me dreaming again. You could say that "Inception" had a lot of influence with this dream. I can't remember all the exact details(I'm getting better) but I'll retell as much as I can recall.

The dream started off with me in a classroom.(most of my dreams have me involved with school whether I like it or not). I fall asleep in class, because it's too boring and I go into another dream. Within the new dream, I am cast back to band. This is strange because I quit band when I was nearing the end of my sophomore year. I take notice to ask someone around me what year it is, and they say it's 2007. What wasn't consistent with this plotline is I appeared a lot younger than I was. In 2007, I was 18. When I was still in band, I was only 16. At this time, I was only 16. I asked what we were doing, and a classmate of mine said we were warming up.

We were preparing for a concert. I had no unearthly idea what this was for, but I decided to improvise. I played through with the warm-ups, then we proceeded on stage to perform. The concert went well, I hurried up and packed my things, then went home.

Another odd thing was, I still couldn't drive. I had my parents pick me up and take me back home. From there, I got a phone call from a good friend of mine(whom I rarely speak to now) claiming he wanted to play some online video games with me. I, of course, said yes, and did this. I went to my room and to my surprise only saw an Xbox. At this point, I was severely confused because my Xbox had died in 2005, but yet I still had this one. We were playing Halo 2, but Halo 3 had already came out.

Ok so, we were playing Halo 2 and I was doing awful. Jacob had asked me if I had even played before and have been practicing. I asked him, why would I practice? I play this game for fun. His answer was we were on the same MLG team and we had a tournament in a couple of days. This was a surprise to my own because I was never good enough to reach those ranks of good MLG players...

We played a couple of games, then we both decided to go our own ways after that. I arrived back at school, and while I was walking up the stairs(in this dream, I had a different school altogether) I tripped on a huge brick, and hit my head. This incident triggered me to wake up in class as the teacher slammed my book on my desk. He wanted to ask me what the capital of Virginia was and I had no answer. The bell rang(weird that colleges would have bells?) and then I took off. I hopped into my truck, and suddenly I was on the highway, but every time I kept driving in the right direction, I ended up driving backwards. A cop pulled me over and threatened to throw me in jail for wreckless driving. I told him I had no control over my car, but he didn't believe me. He gave me a warning(the nicest cop I ever met in my dreams haha) and let me go.

That's where my dream ended. Because I woke up in real life.
Gotta stop eating cocoa puffs before bed!

Me vs. The World

2010-12-30T02:28:00.000-06:00

If you really take time to think about it, the planet is huge, but the universe is even greater. You're just one spec on a blue marble in a giant body of bigger marbles. And beyond that, your existence probably isn't as significant as you think it is. So the best thing one can do is to make the best of his or her life on this blue marble.

As cliche' as this sounds, life is full of challenges. Even the occasional battle or two. But that is what gives life meaning. If we had no conflict, it'd be pointless in pushing on every day until we grew old and eventually passed on.

During this break of the Christmas holiday, I began to reflect on many of my own conquests. Some were good. I had built up a momentum of self-confidence and striving work ethic at the beginning of the last semester that I hoped to carry on to this semester. New housing area, new people, new beginning. Things were looking great. Even got to reconnect with some former classmates of mine.

Things weren't always smooth sailing. I had to pay for my over-confident attitude with less than acceptable grades. And I managed to survive, instead of exceed my own expectations. It seemed that everyone was on the bandwagon to throw disappointment and criticism my way. I get it. I goofed bad. And it almost cost me my college career. After the 5th or 6th speech, it begins to sound all the same to me.They would say the same things. You have one life to live. You can't screw this up. I never had this educational opportunity when I was your age. Of course some even had to throw in the low blow and use reverse psychology on me. Examining a different kid with the same status as me and comparing and trying to figure out why I did poorer than them when they have a job.

Pep talks are only effective if there is meaning behind them. It's counterproductive to regurgitate the same words that everyone else is saying instead of straight up saying it was disappointing how I did this semester, and all I can do is try even harder and give it my best next semester. It doesn't have to be dragged out into a speech of determination, commitment and willpower. It can be said simply put as "do your best, try harder, and you have our support no matter what." There, that wasn't so hard was it?

If we were to examine my own career as an artist now, I would be considered a failure. I have fought a hardened and prolonged battle to survive in the art world as someone capable and potentially able to improve and express himself artistically. Everything I create is complete trash. The first idea I have is always better than the later imitations of it. Reality is boring to me. That is why I fail at recreating it. When I'm able to have the creative freedom to flex my own imagination, this is where I begin to prosper. And this is what keeps me going. Because no matter how many times I may fail at my own drawings, I tell myself this: I have made it this far in my life when no one else ever expected me to get there. And as an act of resentment, I plan to keep on going. So much for their big plans. Ha!

Deception also plays a big role in our lives. Nothing is ever as it seems. So many times have I wished and prayed that things go in my favor, but it never turned out that way. Sometimes it's just dumb pure luck that things have worked in my favor. I wasn't supposed to pass on to graphic design classes, but I survived through it. I made it through and now I'm in. I was granted a second chance to get in this program, train even harder as an artist, and get that piece of paper that says I'm good enough to work at any AAA design company on the face of the planet. That's what I set out to do, and I'm finishing this fight.

But back to deception, our perceptions on life are always construed. What we may believe will always be different than what we expect. From there we can choose to accept it or choose to change what happens for our own good. Two examples will explain this.

Example 1: How is it that one of the least likely person to be my best friend on the face to planet happens to end up in that role? We virtually have nothing in common, our personalities are completely different, ideologies split at a certain point, and we have different interests, yet we are able to coexist without wanting to kill each other. It's like a lion nursing a baby gazelle as it's mother, not intending to eat it after it fattens up, but raising it as one of it's own children. It seems so out of place but it has happened.

Logically, it shouldn't even be able to happen. Two people with different interests and ideologies shouldn't be able to be around each other. Let alone be best friends. It happened. And it still works. How it has survived this long is beyond my own comprehension alone.

Honestly, there is an unbalance in play. If anything, it is I who am envious of my friend. He's a lady's man, a skilled musician, and isn't afraid to speak his mind. And I aspire to someday retain those traits translated in my own perspective. But for now, that isn't me. It is a work in progress that eventually hopes to get to that point someday.

Another example of this my own perspective on girls. For the longest time, I had thought it was me that wasn't good enough for them. As I grew older, I began to amend this logical way of thinking into a more rational sense. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for them, it was that they can be erratically moronic and inconclusive.
Guys aren't any better at expressing our feelings, but we know when it's time to man up and speak the truth. There is reasoning why girls can be cockteases and how it can all end up in post-emotional traumatic awkward time spans in your life without you realizing why you were mad in the first place about it.

As relentlessly good as I have been, I've been quite unsuccessful with girls. They don't find my own charming personality attractive at all, and it is quite degrading to realize they go for the horn dogs or complete douche bags that have no respect for women in general. And as much as I get kicked in the back for that, it won't change who I am. I may have to wait another 10 years or even end up dying alone, but in the end, I'll know that I can be happy knowing that it isn't I that was controlled by this issue. It was I that was controlling my own destiny.

Another thing I'd like to hit on is those that have 2nd guessed me suck. Yes, I don't possess any extraordinary talent nor gift that is unfathomable to the average human, but I do believe in potential. That is why when I meet anyone new, I give them one honest and good chance before I completely write them off as an imbecile and incompetent. Many times I've been picked last for teams in a sport. Picked last in a group project. Underestimated to pull through for a group of people that depended on me. Or even second guessed to show up to an event.

And to those that have 2nd guessed me, you all suck. I never got that shot that I needed to reach my potential. Instead, I was passed over like a neglected puppy at the pound, waiting for an owner. You never thought I could skillfully edit that composition in After Effects to finish the project in time. Or ever expect me to complete my assignment with uniqueness and personality to stand apart from the other typical assignments. Or shoot me down instantly when all I requested was to hang out sometime, not something hostile. No, it never happened like that and it's very lame. You're part of the reason why my self-esteem was at an all time low continuing through college, trying to calmly collect myself to carry on through the semester. And you gave me ever more reason to spit in your face as resentment when I at least survived my own adversity.

There is reasoning in my own self-redemption. I have made many mistakes in the past, but I've learned more than anything from them. In order to move forward, I have to take a step backward. I do this often because it is a stone-cold reality check.This is necessary in order to sort out the commotion that came along at the beginning. From there, I can begin to regroup, revise, and reevaluate my own situation.

And there's reasoning for my own actions and beliefs. I no longer have to prove to anyone why I believe the way I do. Or the reasons why I am doing my own things. If I give one answer for each one, that should be good enough. Or if I'm obliged to go through a thorough discussion about the matter, I can at least proudly say this is the true reasoning and I stand by it, instead of whimpering on the side and realizing I said something stupid.

This post was extremely lengthy(that's what she said!) but worth writing. To those who read this, thank you.

Back to Square 1...

2010-09-07T00:52:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. I'm back again babbling about something less important to the world. Well, since I have reverted back to my isolated state, I have it in my best interest to vent off to the internet about my own incites. It's very therapeutic for me to get things out of mind, on the chance I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

I am at a point in my life where I'm slightly thinking on a completely different plane than others. Sure, I will agree with you on your perspective, but I may ponder later why I believe your opinion was different than mine and why I believe a different way. I've had these sudden outbursts lately to just be completely opposed to what others believe in. Even from those that I highly respect and look up to.

So that puts me back at square 1. I'm at that point again where my actions haven't helped or prevented me from improvement. I could sit back and do nothing, just focusing on my own life, surviving, and finishing school. Or I could care more, establish and strengthen friendships, and continue to be conflicted in wanting to let my mind wander off or accept things as they are.

To clarify things, I don't in any way hate the people I hang out with. They are all unique snowflakes, and they offer something special to my inner circle, whether it be inspiration, anarchy, courage, etc. I welcome a diverse batch of friends because I happen to be diverse myself. The thing with me is sometimes it's hard to form your own opinion when you're so used to accepting someone else's opinion on a subject when they appear more intelligent and inciteful than you.

I believe humans, in nature, were meant to question everything. We question things to try to find answers to problems or develop ideas to expand into greater things. It's how God designed us to be and I'm not ashamed of this, but I can't help but wonder if it's bad to think so differently in a sense that it isn't accepted by everyone else? I've been having those times where I want to say I agree strongly with others on one particular topic, but the minute I try to talk about my own views, it's easier to shut me up or not let me speak up at all for what I believe in.

Here's two questions to consider: Why is it we care so much about others' criticism of ourselves? And why don't we take more risks in our lives? What boundaries are holding one back from accomplishing anything they want to do in this life? Or even in the great beyond?

Here's a quote from the show Community that spoke so much conviction to me I wasn't even expecting it:
" Because when you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for people is not such a big deal" -Abed from Community

The thing that got me rattling my bones is something my friend said to me the other day. He was telling me from those he knew of and those we hung out with, I was never social, I never spoke for myself, and I copied him all the time. I was 1 dimensional and it was tiring. And that I wasn't reliable at all....

I took this criticism to heart, but it stung a little bit. Knowing that the things I did weren't always viewed in a positive light made me realize something extremely important. It is imperative I did things different enough that I could still establish myself as an individual. It was good I did this, but I may have taken an extreme approach to it. Sure, I'm still trying to exercise and reorganize my actions to adjust better to social settings, but it's difficult. I've always been used to being that kid was awkwardly shy, bubbling with ideas underneath the surface, but fearing the scrutiny that I will be examined as a complete idiot.

So why do we care so much about criticism from others? I blame it on insecurity. If one person tells you that you're too cocky, inappropriate, smell bad, and just act weird, then it would be safe to presume that immediately one would tone down their attitude and adjust to others to become "accepted". But is this really want we want in our lives? To be another "accepted" person? Why is it so wrong to be different? Not everyone is going to have extraordinary conversation skills. Or athletic skills. Or computation and mathematical abilities mentally. The main concept here is to take what God has granted us with and make the best of it, or constantly striving to improve something to compensate for our own weaknesses.

Why don't we take more risks? I'm not talking about riskier activities such as sky diving, mountain climbing, flying an airplane, scuba diving, or fire breathing lessons. I'm focusing more on the aspect of taking that lunge, being honest, and not holding back. How different would our lives be if we feared nothing?

If I was never afraid of failure, an entire spectrum of confidence would be imbued upon me. I wouldn't have to hold myself back from talking to anyone, or do anything. I could literally do anything I truly set forth to do.

One example is girls. If I wasn't afraid of rejection or criticism, I could talk to any girl that ever walked past me. And not only would it be awesome, but my confidence would skyrocket. I would no longer dwell upon the envy of my successful friends, but I would gain my own envy, for my success would revolve around my boldness and confidence. If had the ability to speak my own mind on who I ran into, girl or guy, I often wonder if they'd view me in an entirely different light, or view me negatively as someone that has more conflicting insecurities than anyone they've ever encountered.

On a different note, I've also reached that threshold where I have to be on my own again. Not only is it beneficial for me to mediate and reflect upon my own, but I sort of lost a part of my own personality hanging around the same people every time. I have the highest respect for those that respect and care about me, but the things that determine my "differences" characterize who I am. There is valid reasoning(somewhere) behind my own actions and the path I'm taking now. I want to get a design job because it's my own calling. I'm shy because I fear what others say about me. I get nervous around girls because they demand a lot out of the opposite sex. I intend on leading my life based on that. It's good to separate yourself from others to understand and grasp that natural perspective of who you were to begin with and determine whether or not you wanted to change in the first place.

Another example: One friend of mine claims I'm completely unreliable and not confident at all. I have been gradually fighting to improve, but it's a very stale process. I took his words to heart, not in hatred, but into consideration. And not only did it shed light on how he perceived me, but it also spun things around him and made me realize certain things. It made me understand that our differences were what bonded us. I was different in one aspect, and he was different in another. His words of characterizing who I was not only left me slightly bitter, but they made me stir up a formulated reasoning behind why I was this way. And if I told him, I risk him shooting me down. I realize now it isn't a big deal, because he's a big dreamer too, but not always plausible in his own inner ambitions.

My story is far from over. I have a good 20 years left in my life before I can validate whether or not I'm happy. At that point, I'll let you know. For now, I'll continue going through the twists and turns of my life. And through every hurdle I hop through, I'll have to take that knowing that things were never designed to be easy to begin with. It's when we've finally accomplished something that we can look back and laugh at something unattainable was attainable in disguise.

Thanks to all that read this ridiculously long post.

Never Compromise. Not even in the face of Armegeddon.

2010-05-05T14:39:00.018-05:00

...As quoted by Rorschach in Watchmen. According to the ideology and background of this character from Wikipedia, Alan Moore, the creator of the character thought of Rorschach as a "real life Batman". He also stated that if Batman was a real character, then others would think he had mental problems. Which is perfectly where Rorschach comes into creation.

There's a reason why so many people enjoy this character. As do I. He was my favorite character in both the book and movie, despite how his fate is sealed at the very end. He chose to be that guy that no one wanted to be. He had to be this character because no one else would even dare to see things from an objective view, sift out the corruption in the world, and put his foot down and take action to make a difference.

The gadgets, costume, thirst for vengeance, or neighborhood don't make him a hero. He chose to fight his battle on two fronts. He was fighting something that he knew wouldn't have an ending he would favor. The end was near for him. The end is "nigh" as he mentioned.

Through the course of events that developed in Watchmen, superheroes were being outlawed and justice was practically invisible. He was fighting both his comrades and injustice. His fellow Superhero brethren gave up, gave in to the Keene Act that forbade any form of vigilantism at all. Rorschach didn't let that stop him.But Rorschach wouldn't compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon. He had a job to do and if it meant sacrificing himself to let the truth be heard, he was willing to accept that.

"Never Compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon." This quote, as mentioned in the title, brings so much power to anyone. It doesn't apply for just costumed crime fighters. It can be applied to the world. People can take this quote with them and summon the courage they need in their own lives to face anything boldly and without fear.

Would Rorschach give in to conformity? No. The movie would end, or the heroes would be executed or exiled from society if he didn't do anything. He was the only strand of hope the world needed. And even though *SPOILER ALERT* Dr. Manhattan killed him, he still symbolized something, even in his last moments of life.

Ok, I will admit I'm very passionate about the comic book world. There are those that are purely for entertainment value, but there are also comics that leave your head scratching or inspire you to great levels. Watchmen(besides Kickass) has done that. It has inspired me to look at things from an objective view and try to instill good in this world when no one believes there is any left.

As much as I hated seeing my favorite character being blasted to smithereens by the doctor, this is what had to happen. He was the only one that saw the corruption in the world as it was. He even inspired those to rally behind him, such as Nite Owl II and Silk Spectre II. He was the beginning of the unfolding tale and the end linked back to him.

Besides Rorschach being mind bogglingly awesome, he has influenced me a lot of my life. I posted that one quote to my facebook profile. It is a reminder that no matter what happens in my life, or in anyone's life, they can look to that and know that there is hope out there. You have the strength in yourself to do anything you to do. And no one can tell you different. I'm advocating nefarious acts of robbery, murder, or rape. I mean along the terms of setting goals, believing in yourself, and fighting for something you want in your own lives. And

There is a reason why I am Charle. And there is a reason why you are you. God made all of us different and unique in ways we can't ever imagine. Before those begin to bash that I'm pressing religion on you, I'm not. This is what my opinion is. I believe God created everything and there is purpose as to why we all tick the way we do. To give in to conformity would be compromising who I am, what I've been built up to be, and what I stand for.

I had lost a friend of mine recently. And it wasn't a casualty. He and I departed ways because he chose to press his ideals on me and that was the definitive answer.He wanted me to be someone he wanted ideally to be. And I wanted him to accept me for who I am. It's not even that hard, but this is what he chose. To compromise my sense of free will, agree with him to conform, and have no thought for myself wouldn't be an identity crisis, it would be a crime to myself. I would be committing a crime so devious that I wouldn't ever be able to look back it with an open mind. He wanted me to compromise who I was, and be some other Charle in an ideal, robotic, distinct, black and white world. I hate to break it to him, but God made me as a snowflake for a reason....

As sad as it is, I saw it coming a long ways away. Our friendship had been deteriorating gradually, when he decided that psychiatric evaluations and estute observations were necessary when being around me. He claims that he is this way with all his friends, but I don't believe him at all. He chooses to study me as a lab animal, in a subjective way. Well I'm not a test subject. And I'm not going to compromise who I am to resuscitate a friendship heading into a coma. I've thrown as many life savers as I can at this, trying to make amends, but he is as stubborn as me, but for the wrong reasons.

I doubt he'll read this, but if he does, I hope you find peace in your lifetime man. I enjoyed getting to know you, but we can chat again when you decide that not everything in the world has to be concretely right or absolutely wrong. As people, we don't have to know what we want in our lives yet. It's called a lifetime for a reason. We have that entire span of time to decide how we want our story to unfold, what we do in our lives, and how it will ultimately end. That is what makes our imperfect world so beautiful.

He also pointed out that I only seek to stay in my room all day, refusing to socialize. He argues that humans are naturally social, and the instant one decides not to be social, constantly they have a problem with them. There isn't a problem with me. Ok, I don't like to be surrounded by others all the time. I do not want to entertain everyone with my own thoughts and feelings because not everyone will like me or even respect me. It is best to sometimes conceal our own thoughts due to the world not always be willing with open arms to accept them. If being a lone wolf isn't the accepted "normal" then I want to be a lone wolf forever.

This argument started over me asking advice. He concluded I have a mental problem and should seek therapy immediately. What gives him the right to know what's best for me? He also claims he knows me a lot more than myself? Ok, first off there's only two people in the world, besides myself, that know me better than myself. God and my family(friends included). They perceive me as I am and don't wish to tear me down.

The whole point of friendship is to bring each other up. Support each other. Talk to each other about problems. And help each other out when overcoming obstacles. Or at least throw some feedback when needed. Not to tear them down. Tell them they're wrong. And that if they don't believe this way, that they aren't normal at all.

What's so great about "normalcy" anyways? Why would you want to be normal? Think about all the cool people that are extraordinary. They aren't normal at all, but they are living the greatest lives anyone would envy, except those who are content with living in their own world.

Superheroes aren't normal. They're freaks. The nerds that hacked computers at school and changed everyone's grades. They're either terrorists or cyber geniuses. The Olympic gymnist who can do 30 backflips in 30 minutes consecutively and not break a sweat, she's talented. Or just gifted.The kid who doodles on his school work during class, dreaming of greater things, maybe he's destined to design a revolutionary video game or bring a new level to art in comic books not even dared to be touched on.

Those people chose to rise above and be beyond "normal". I mean, if you really think about it for a second, you have to not be normal in order to achieve things in your life. If you want that promotion at work, you have to go through the trouble and effort to prove to your superiors you're worthy. You have to prove to that girl or guy you had your eye on that you're worth talking to, not just like every other person they've encountered. You have to run your hardest to win the marathon, even though you could well just give it half power and settle for 5th place.
My point is the world needs to be dared to be beyond ordinary. Because nothing would be accomplished if everyone were the same. If soldiers were afraid to go to war, we would be submitted to one national rule, one form of government, and the idea of democracy and justice would be non existent. There had to be "extraordinary" in order to have the convenience of being ordinary.

I will close this post with food for thought: Whatever you may face, whoever you meet, and whatever you do, don't compromise who you are. Sure, anyone can just hop on the bandwagon and conform to everyone else, but why not be that black sheep? Because that black sheep can inspire a nation, or even a world of other sheep to follow him. No, not follow them. That sheep can inspire the others to use their mind to think on their own. And have a free will.

And use your brain. It's a wonderful gift. God gave living things a brain and the ability to conjure up the idea of free will for a reason.

Later!

Fear: You call the shots. It doesn't.

2010-04-21T23:43:00.000-05:00

Don't let fear control your actions. Or who you are.

What is fear? Fear is the thing that holds all of us back from our own goals. It's the lingering thought in you not to take action, but always wonder, "what if?" It is a nefarious element that truly contributes to our daily miseries. Don't mistaken this with procrastination or laziness. Those are two other things.

Procrastination is something that is instilled upon you when you want to get something accomplished, but you're delaying it. Fear plays a factor in it, but it is all upon the responsibility of yourself to accomplish things.

Laziness is also different. Laziness is just not wanting to do it because you just have no desire. There were many a times that I have felt this way, but I have gradually realized this isn't for the best.

Now back to fear. Fear truly rules all of our lives. It's only during those times that we rise and stand against our own fears that we truly shine.

In my own lifetime, fear has been a big part of my own life. I have feared everything you can possibly name off: girls, my future, life in general, growing old, being alone, being more talkative, talking too much, my own ability as an artist, being manipulated, that stupid doll from child's play, clowns at one point in my life, stage fright, and even vampires. But beyond the "supernatural" and fictional fears, the real life problems of my own are the ones that terrify me the most.

I haven't truly conquered them, but I've been able to deal with them. That's my problem. I haven't reached that point where I can successfully say that I have conquered my own fears when I haven't. I still struggle with girls, talking enough, stage fright, regret, and over thinking everything.

The supreme evil dwelling within my life I'm fearful of: change. I always end up going back to this topic, as much as I dread it, but I need to get it off my back. It is a monkey that simply won't stop trying to bother me for a couple of bananas. I only gave one, he wanted 12 more....

Point being, I fear change. I fear it because I don't know what will happen to me in the crossfire. I can't considerably control some things that just happen for a reason. And I fear that.

Face the unknown with your head high. Nothing in this world is worth fearing. It only takes some will and courage to get over what you fear.
One example is I fear failure. So often this crosses my mind. What do I do to remedy it? I fight on. I get that mindset that I will prevail and I will succeed, and just like a train, I keep going. It's sad that I have to trick my mentality in order for me to progress forward, but if it isn't broke, don't fix it I always say.

That's it for now. Later!

Change, my old nemeis. Oh how we should stop meeting like this...

2010-04-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

Sunrise-The only thing that I absolutely enjoy about change: it dawns a new beginning, whether for the better or worse.

Change is something that hits you so fast, that by the time you realize things are different, it's entirely too late to react. Each moment is defined by your own actions, and that ultimately leads to your own destiny. You alone control how your future will be. Or so it appears so nowadays.

And then there's me. Ah there you are change. My old nemesis. So many times have you thrown me into the spirals of doom and sealed me of my fate. And I have been helpless to do anything. You have changed my school life. Influenced how I objectively view the world. And made me more of a lone wolf than I'll ever be.

I apologize to my usual readers who have to put up with my dreary writing. I get literally thrown in this twisted cycle of change and it becomes too overwhelming sometimes. Take for example, my good friend Nuwanda moving away.....

He was just the beginning. Little did I know, the friends that I bonded with over the past years have all but gone their separate ways. Some have transferred for other schools. Some have moved away completely. Why does it all have to happen so soon? I suppose it is the heart's natural tendency to branch out into the unknown, venturing off into the dark void, seeking never to return from again.

Ok, we'll all keep in touch. Let's trade numbers. That's what facebook(or stalkerbook) is for. Life will be good. No, it doesn't end that way. Those that you "friend" on the ludicrous app called facebook have a life beyond the dimensions of cyberspace. And even then, dwelling upon a social network to communicate with your actual friends in real life is sad. Terribly sad.

I don't necessarily have a problem with change all the time, but sometimes it's ridiculous. Take for example my friends. We all meet up every once in a blue moon, but this won't be going down anymore. Some will move off, never to return again. Some will go elsewhere, seeking their own fortunes. I honestly accept that my days are limited. The only regret I have is I didn't get off this rock sooner....

That's the big problem with me. I should have been the first to be ahead of the curve, so I would be unaffected by all these changes. And they wouldn't hit me like a ton of bricks so suddenly when I had to face my own realities that things weren't ever going to be back to the happier and golden days of days' past. They are only the echoes of fonder memories of the uncertain present.

Why do I dread change so much? Hmm.. it could have to do with the fact that every time something does change, it always comes with drastic and dire consequences. Those that I'm unable to accept or cope with for a while, but let it sink in later.

I have gone through so many changes that I've become a sentinent, numb, and almost heartless being now. Too many times have I lost contact with good friends because they've grown up and grown apart. And then there's others that I hold dear to my heart, but can't dread leaving fearing that they may change for the worse as well.

Here's a nice quote from Scrubs that I posted a while back on stalkerbook:

“I usually don’t like thinking about the future. I mean let’s face it, you can’t predict what’s going to happen. But sometimes, the thing you didn’t expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you’re going and just enjoy where you’re at.”-JD from Scrubs

He couldn't have spoken it with more truth if God gave him a high five after that quote.

I guess instead of moping around, whining, and complaining about how all my friends are growing up, I've become more inwardly critical, and worrying so much about my own future, I should enjoy where I am at the moment. Yes, change is super lame when all of the people that you grew up around move away and go off on their own, but the thing that ties us all together is the happier times you spent with them. Like the time Nuwanda and I wooed those hot girls at D-Fizzes house. Or the time that Eric and I first met up. Or the time I met Morgan playing dodgeball at NOC, being completely unaware of how awesome and tactically advantageous it was to have him on my team. Chatting it up with Dan-O on Crackdown. Making collab videos or railing on Noobs on Xbox Live with Reggie in the earlier days. Meeting up with Rich in outwar and stomping everyone in our path. Hanging with my friends from Perry on the weekend. Chatting with Viper until I got yelled at from my parents? Or finally joining DMI, following in the footsteps of one of my best friends, Jake, and aspiring to one day be a talented artist like him, Kael, Austin, Ryno, and everyone else in DMI besides myself. Even you Phil....

Every event that I went through. Every person that I met along the way. Those things have defined who I am now. I wish I could keep us locked in the hyperbolic time chamber, freezing those fun and exciting moments I have had and never letting them end. But I have to wake up from my la la land of happiness and face the reality. We all grow up, and all we can hope for is that we won't ever grow apart. That one's for you Ryno :P

This is dedicated to my friends. All of them. I don't know where we'll all be in 5 years, but I hope the best for all of you. I don't even know where I'll be. I would just pray that we all still remain friends and remember we got this far together.

And for you Nuwanda. You've become a better friend to me over the past year. And made me a better person, that has reason to fight for his own ideals, to never be afraid to question others, and have purpose as to why I act the way I am. You've taught me so much, made me laugh harder, and helped me build the confidence I need to fight my daily battles within myself and against the world. I do hope we meet again someday, but if we don't it has been an honor and pleasure to know you man. You will come back one day to visit and we'll kick it like back in the golden days.

That's all for now. Thank you to those who were bored enough to read this post.

My top 10 games for 2010 and beyond.

2010-01-21T02:26:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone. Decided to post a different blog that's not so serious and thoughtful this time. In fact, it has to do with the one hobby that keeps me stabilized in my life: video games.

Say what you want about this form of interactive art, but I absolutely adore them. Now and always. So here's my top 10 games.

1. Mass Effect 2
This one is a no brainer. I'm getting this bad boy next Monday. Good bye social life!
The first one was so incredible that it renewed my faith in Bioware and gaming in general. I never knew one game could have such an emotional impact on all the decisions that you make plus with all the other cool action sequences you go through. I definitely see Bioware as the lead pioneer of video games in the future.

2. Alpha Protocol
Another action-RPG that is under the radar for now. It's release date is sketchy, but basically think of Mass Effect(wide scale, deep story, intuitive character creation, moral choices, etc.) but throw in the likeness of the Bourne movies, James Bond, Splinter Cell, Metal Gear Solid, and every other awesome spy movie or stealth game ever created. I definitely recommend this to anyone who wants a solid RPG for the early spring/late summer. What's most interesting about this game is you create how you want your spy operative to move. You can focus on hand-to-hand combat, weapons focus, gadgets, or a combination of all three perhaps.

3. Brink
Not much is known about this game, other than good ol' Bethesda is working on it(notorious for Fallout 3 and it's awesomeness). What I get from this game is that it's an action first person shooter, with an innovative maneuvering system. I think of it as a love child between Fallout 3 and Borderlands, both two great AAA games. Consider me psyched.

4.Halo: Reach
Ok, so put aside the fact that I've been a Halo fanboy since the beginning and view this selection from an objective view. This is Bungie's last game(supposedly) in the Halo franchise, then they're passing it off to 343 Studios, which is an internal company dedicated to everything Halo within Microsoft. It's the prequel all of us dedicated fans have been waiting for. And it's their swan song. Boasting new combat (assassin kills anyone?) new armor options, more Spartans in the campaign(woot!) and larger battles (40 instead of 20 from Halo 3), this is definitely the nice icing on the Halo cake everyone of us gamers has been waiting for. Now we just got to see if the beta in the Spring is worth playing over my grades :P

Mmmm... More Spartans beating down Elites. Awesome combo for a prequel.

5.Infinite Space.
This little DS gem is on my radar for two sole reasons: 1. It happens to be in space. 2. Fully customizable space warships, while also commanding a whole crew in combat. I truly hope this won't let me down.
Putting aside the fact it's heavily anime influenced, it still looks like a solid game.

6.Splinter Cell Conviction
This looks awesome. After about 3 years of development hell, Sam Fisher is back in action. Granted, I never truly beat a complete game, but I'm willing to give this one a try.
Expect the same high-quality spy action with stealth kills from the previous games.

7.The next Ghost Recon game
Ok, by now, I'm a big fan of Tom Clancy. Great writer, and even better gave Ubisoft some great ideas for games. One of my fondest games on the Xbox (post Halo 2 and before Halo 3) was Ghost Recon. I spent hours just playing this game all over the place. The next installment is supposed to arrive sometime either next year or later this year. And I am excited for it.

Couldn't find a logo for the next game title, but it's rumored it's called Ghost Recon:Predator

8.APB
Think of the game Crackdown, but in a MMO form. Then you get APB, a huge MMO where customization is ridiculously detailed and you can choose to either side with the peacekeepers or gangmembers. I'm not normally into MMOs, but this one is worth checking out.

9. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2

The first one was a lot of fun. Let's hope they can do it again.

10.Alan Wake

Think of a psychological thriller, mixed in with mystery, and the entire element of a versatile and hostile environment. A writer would be the least likely hero in any story, but this game is the exception. Throw in a dash of the Silent Hill-esque atmosphere and you have a game that has a lot of potential to succeed. Let's hope it rocks our socks off in May.

Honorable mentions: Golden Sun DS, Castlevania: Lord of Shadows, Crackdown 2, Aliens Vs. Predator, MegaMan Zero collection DS, No More Heroes: Desparate Struggle, Deus Ex 3, Bioshock 2, Dead Space 2, Mercs Inc. , Just Cause 2, Red Dead Redemption. Modern Warfare 3, Medal of Honor: Modern Version?, Dead Rising 2, Metal Gear:Rising, God of War III, Infamous 2, Lost Planet 2, Fable 3, and many more.

It will be a nice future for video games!

Later!

A public service message to the victims of a lousy school system

2009-12-20T02:48:00.000-06:00

What is this a picture of? A building? An institution? A prison? To some, it may be the turning point in their lives where they go to seek an advancement of their education. To others, it may be another 4 years of paying attention to professionals who memorized all of this useless information to regurgitate back onto the students that maybe care enough to pay attention.

This, my dear friends, is a college building. I pulled a random building from off the internet to define it's symbolism. You see, this building stands for far much more than just a place to hold classroom lectures. This is the ultimate learning environment. Or so one would certainly hope for.

Let me summarize briefly what happens to you from your last 4 years of high school to your first years of college.

9th to 12th grade you spend constant time, effort, and research into what you want to do with your life. You look up schools, careers, talk to counselors, take campus tours, and even apply for countless scholarships. Then boom! Graduation day hits you, the paper is yours, and you're out the door. You have to decide on your own map where to go from here.

So it's narrowed down to three options: don't go to school and go for a job, with only a high school diploma, go to a junior college then either transfer or go for a job then, or junior college then transfer to a 4 year school. You go with plan C, and pray to God that it doesn't fail you.

Junior college seems wonderful. You've made a ton of new friends, began to embrace your true identity of your own passions, made some good connections, met some respectable and influential teachers, and continued to do well. Then graduation comes again.

You graduate, your friends jet, your awesome teachers stay there, then you move on to a bigger school.
It can't be that bad right? Nope. Not even. You go to a 4 year school near home, offering a very poor degree in what you want, and if you survive, you'll get a bachelor's degree in something somewhat related to your original degree.

Fast forward to the present day. 4 year school. 1 semester down. Very little friends. Very bleak outlook on life. And then it hits you like a truckload of cow manure: you're not doing very well at all in college.

Which brings me to the purpose of this entire post: why college can truly slay your dreams.

To quote Lewis Black in "Accepted", college is a service industry. And he couldn't have been anymore right. College professors are being paid to teach to the best of their abilities to educate the students that pay thousands of dollars for a high quality education. So why is it that when one student fails, it goes unnoticed?

Is it typical for students to have a rocky start in a bigger college? I'm not quite sure. But I will say that to any so called "teacher" *cough *cough lousy graduate students with less than 2 years experience trying to cash in willing to fail a student giving an honest effort to regurgitate the information retained in the class should be fired. You give the college reputation of a higher education a big slap to the face.

I've come to accept time and time again that a 4 year school is more hardcore than anything. I picture it as the T-Rex on the food chain. It can eat almost anything that eats other things. The only trick to it is not to be around when it feeds. In this case, do the work, attend class, pay attention, contact the teachers, and everything should be good right?

Not all is good at the moment. I had to deal with the fact that I did poorly than I expected to be. I have to change my entire life routine just because my GPA went straight down to hell. Is it all my fault? No. Is it all of the faculty's fault? No, but they did pull the trigger to assassinate my grades.

Out of curiosity, I will one day research what requirements are needed to be a teacher at a college university. I would wish that they eliminate grad students teaching classes in general education that have no idea how to teach freshman.

In their own defense, I can see they want to make an honest buck. Perfectly respectable. All I ask is that they factor in that not everyone will be up to speed about everything they lecture about. Thus, I would prefer experience over anything when getting a college education.

The reason why I did poorly this semester was a number of things. Sure, I could point fingers at video games, goofing off with my pals, and chasing after hot girls, but that won't get me anywhere. It's comparable to a dog chasing it's own tail. It's amusing, pointless, and goes in a complete circle. Same with my reasonings, but one reason I can affirm is the lack of quality of my education. 4 out of 5 of my teachers were all graduate students.

What happened to high quality college professors? Up to this point in my school career, I've had nothing but excellence from my own teachers. And they have demanded nothing but the same from me. But the instant I hit OSU, it changes. I learn the same tactics I used at NOC don't apply well to a big wig 4 year school.

But the thing that really irks me the most over there is that they take advantage of the BIG school reputation and run with it. They care less about quality, and care only more about whether or not they're taking some college kid's money, entrenching them in a life full of debt until they get a decent job regardless of that little white paper in their hands saying they spent a good 4 to 5 years of their life learning stuff they need to know in order to prove to the world they're not complete morons.

I try to write these posts for good. That maybe someone out there, in my shoes or can somewhat relate to me, can say that man, this guy hit the nail on the head. We're living in an unjust and corrupt system and until we recognize that, we'll always be the victims.

I apologize if I seem quite radical now, but this newfound manifestation of anger has only seeped through my veins through the past couple of weeks. I hope in turn that any college student struggling with their first semester can seek hope from my post and know that failure is never the end; it's always a new beginning. Sure, you may go through redemption like me, but the road less traveled is the one always worth taking.

To leave on a more positive note: Understand that I wrote this post in order to expose the flaws of any type of school system, regardless of your grade level. Do not take from this post that I mean to insult what educators are doing for students. That is the complete opposite. I wrote this to better prepare students in the future not to make my mistakes, understand when they fail it's not entirely their fault, and that teachers, grad student or not, should take full responsibility if a student is struggling, and shouldn't worry so much about the money they make.

You can't put a price on a good education.
Good night and God Bless

Adversity: Surviving it all and laughing back at it.

2009-12-05T05:57:00.000-06:00

Imagine yourselves in a boat. I'm talking old school, with wooden structure, sturdy sails, no electronic equipment. Let's call it a "pirate" type of ship. that doesn't constitute that you're a pirate(unless you want to be).
From here, we'll also say that you are sailing around the world to different major countries. Start off in the US with New York(you start off in California), go to Brazil, head over to India, hit up Japan, down to Australia, and then back again to the good ol' states.

Now one might say that this would be an amazing, life-long, and intense journey. You are correct. To an extent. But not only is it pleasurable to experience, it poses quite a bit of a challenge: Everything in between.

To elaborate more on this, think about it. You're not just going to be able to smoothely sail around the world with ease. There will be massive gusts of wind, weather changes, hostile water creatures such as sharks, modern day pirates where they could potentially either rob you or murder you, or possibly you run out of supplies and are relying on something to reach out to another to get help.

Through all of this, the element of adversity surrounds you. You go through these trials not only to learn, but they bring out the best in yourself. Given, when one is put up against the most difficult of odds, 1 of 2 things happen: You either persevere and thrive successfully through it or fail miserably, crashing and struggling to survive.

Everyone deals with adversity. This whole theme has stuck to me at this point in my life. I'm dealing with so many things right now it's almost overwhelming. To stay out of the cliche' thing of complaining about all of my problems, it will be agreed that I don't lead a perfect life. So to conclude from this statement, we can say that also it is affecting a huge part of my life.

I'm going through the typical obstacles of adversity right now. School, jobless, family, mental health, motivation, girls, and everything else stacked on top of that. But one of the things that irks me the most out of all of these is the intervention of my own life.

Nothing irks me more than telling me that I have a problem and I need to fix it or I'll have it forever. Things should be a choice, not a demand. If it was demanded that I improve my social skills, then I'm more likely to not care to improve my skills. If I naturally come into my own being and improve myself, that's completely different.

The only person in your own lives that can take charge in any given situation is you. You're the one who calls the shots. You're your own hero. You make your own downfall. You control your own destiny. Let no one ever tell you any different.

This post isn't in any resentment towards my friend, but as a way of expressing my understanding. He claims I have a social anxiety disorder, I'm in denile, and it isn't laziness. I hate to break it to him, but he's wrong on all three counts. I care about my good pal very much, but it's sometimes I don't want to be labeled. That I need help or not. Let me figure out things on my own.

I honestly believe he has a disorder. He cares way too much and hypercritically of others, including myself. It's not a bad thing, but he needs to take a supportive and defensive approach to things. After all, it's much better to put out a fire instead of soaking more gasoline to it.(Unless you're just a natural pyro)

Later today, I'm going to be put through a social experiment. Just to stupidly prove to him I'm capable of talking to anyone I dare wish to and that I don't have a social disorder. And he's dead wrong. I just choose not to talk to anyone. It's my own (excuse my language) damn choice. He won't ever understand, to this point, but he better get ready to be wrong. Because it's going to happen.

I can be quite stubborn myself, but on a positive note, say I have this "disorder" he so diagnoses(because he has certification to say I have one? Not at all. He's just going based off information gathered on the interwebs) then the best I can do is improve constantly, at my own discretion.

This is my biggest curse. I somehow grab the attention of too good of friends. And it can be my downfall. On rare occasions, I grab the attention of those friends that care way too much for my own well being, instead of just being my friend and generally be supportive. I don't want to be a lab rat in an experiment. I want to be treated as an equal and I demand the same respect as anyone else would at all times.

Here's a cool exercise to try out: Close your eyes.Imagine yourself in your most triumphant moment. Whether it be graduating school, getting a job,or even getting that special someone you had your eye on. Memorize every detail the best you can in that scenario. Ok now from that point on, work on making that goal a reality.

From my studies in my psychology class, the more likely we are to accept our own positive or negative imaginations, the more likely we are to make the necessary actions to make them come true.

If adversity has taught me anything, it's this: don't ever, ever, ever, EVER, give up on your goals or dreams in life. You, yourself, has the potential to do anything in this world that God created. Anyone can become President, and lead the world into a golden age of peace and prosperity. Or you can be the ruthless tyrannical dictator of a third world country that everyone despises. Let nothing hold you back. And I mean nothing. Not even the end of the world.

That's just it though. That's what's so fascinating about the human mind and humans in general. What sets us apart from animals with less intellectual thinking than us is that we have the reasoning and hidden potential to put it into action. And make the world anything we want them to be. But it's ultimately up to yourself. You're the only barrier that can stop yourself from doing anything. And you're the cape that can make you fly straight up to the moon, beyond the stars, and into the heavens.

There are just some things in life that happen to you for a reason. Maybe I crashed and burned so hard this semester because I needed to learn the biggest lesson of all: not being afraid of failure. If I came to terms with my own fear of failing, there was nothing to lose. And nothing to hold myself back.

Don't ever tell you someone that you can't do something. Screw adversity. It will always be there to kick you down the stairs, but God or whatever religious entity you believe in, gave you the will power, strength, and physical limbs of legs, and arms to push yourself through any given situation. Nothing is impossible. Everything is achievable.

You just have to believe.
Good Night everyone.

Art: The Infamous Travesty

2009-11-04T18:06:00.000-06:00

Take this piece of graffiti artwork for example:

This isn't my original artwork. I found it off the internet. Particularly google.com. But I absolutely adore it. Why? because someone drew an arcade machine on the side of a building. I respect it because it's a piece of art and it appeals to my sense of nerdery. Something I take pride in.

It absolutely disgusts me. It disgusts me that I am an artist. I am a free thinker, drawing inspiration deep within my soul. Yet it is my greatest curse. I am in school to study art. To further develop my drawing skills. And improve. But the greatest crime ever committed is one simple thing: teaching art in schools.

Art is something that has it's own interpretive value. The works of Picasso could mean nothing to you if you truly didn't understand their own abstract nature. It is important that one appreciates and possibly respects artworks of different artists, but why is it so critical that we have to "abide" by certain principles?

Isn't the point of art to express yourself? Why are we, as artists, held down by certain guidelines? Did anyone direct Leonardo Da Vinci what to draw? No. He learned from his peers, drew inspiration, and made his own pieces. I don't care what form of art you express yourself in, whether it be painting, woodshop work, 3D computer modeling, sculpting, or even playing any type of instrument, as artists it's our duty to take our stand now. When you take your classes or begin to create something derived through your soul, you remember forever that you don't need an authority figure to tell you that your artwork is "respectable and accepted". It's how you interpret it yourself.

There are two types of artists I have observed in this world. There are the guardians, who strive to succeed in every aspect but at the same time encourage others around them. Then there's the hot shots who think they're the coolest thing since cool whip. Regardless of whichever artist you may be, one common goal for you is to create art. For me personally, I could care less about the artsy fartsy hot shots. They believe that their competence is higher than any of their peers and that's what sets them apart.

Living as an artist is a constant struggle. I will always seek approval from others, and deny that I'm falling behind or not quite up to par than others. Now that I have accepted my limitations and strengths, I can gradually begin to improve and heal.

The main point why I happen to be venting about this issue is my drawing class. It has brought great joy and great misery to me. Same with my 3D class. Both classes test my limits in terms of creativity. I have been both graded on what I have created through both classes. And due to certain "expectations" of the instructors, I happen to be on the borderline of a low C. A "C"? Yah, I'm being graded on being a struggling artist. I call this the biggest travesty of them all.

Why is this a travesty you may ask? The main idea is this: How in the world can you judge art?! Art is truly interpreted from one's own soul; what they're feeling, how they see the world, and how they strive to appeal to their audience. Just because I haven't been doing well on one project, doesn't mean I don't have an audience. Regardless of what I've created as an artist, I respect all of my work. There are those that I take more pride in, but I treat every medium of art, digital or concrete, as something created from deep within.

When I create something, I either take very little time to get to the end or I put in so much work into it that I don't even recall how I completed it. It feels similar to having an out of body experience. When you know something clicks inside of you, nothing will stop you until you have accomplished your goal.

And sometimes it works very well for me. Or in the worst case it doesn't.

If you take anything from this post of my insane rambling, remember this: art will never have a price. And it will never have a standing crowd of fans. It has one and only one fan. Yourself. And as long as you believe in your own works of art, music or drawing wise, nothing in this world can stop you from expressing yourself.

So go ahead world. Grade my art as you will. I don't need your letter grades to tell me what true art is. It is within my own being. And that's something you will NEVER be able to GRADE!

Wanted: Originality

2009-10-18T15:47:00.000-05:00

Humans, above all other living creatures known on Earth, are the most common and most interesting species to observe. More importantly, I find the most intriguing body part in the human body is the brain. Think about it. The brain constitutes how one can immediately go from dying of laughter to complete sadness in an instant. It retains our thoughts, memories, emotions, and our aspirations of what we hope to be someday.

Think of our brain as the ultimate entertainment center. You take in sounds, like a huge batch of speakers, there's a clear visual in real-time, which is the flat screen, and then you have the hardware. The hardware is the input information that you're putting into your brain to produce all of these things your brain manages. It dictates the "you" today, tomorrow, and 5 years from now.

What you do with this entertainment center is monumentally up to you. It is only the hardware. People, in ourselves, are the driving force behind this entertainment center. We are the ones that experience life-changing, fearful, or critical moments in our lives.

So how do we draw the line between fitting in with the "crowd" and pressing for originality? There's a gray area there that we have to overcome at our own paces. If you want to push yourself to be more outgoing, do so, but only for the intentions of your own. Don't do it to fit in.

For the past 2 months, I've hung out with many people. Some leave a negative impact on me. Others don't. The ones I prosper around encourage and raise my self-esteem to a whole different level. Exponentially, does this last? I would say not. It is not natural for someone to be too "overly optimistic". There are several factors to always disrupt this specific "flow" of things in one's life. It's what you choose to do that will determine what will happen in the end game.

What is originality anymore anyways? "Thinking outside the box" is a very common term that I stride for. It is visually appealing when we're all thinking outside our usual norms of thinking levels because it challenges us to push our own limits. Think of what would happen if Thomas Jefferson would have never thought of the Declaration of Independence. His "thinking" wouldn't have forged the foundations of the America we have today. And to that, we owe him a thunderous applause. It's the least we can do....

So on that note, I'll end with something thoughtful, yet profound. I challenge others out there in the world to find your own "originality". There is something in everyone that makes them who they are. Even myself. I draw upon the best qualities of my friends and mix in some spice from my "wild card" persona. And there you get me.
Think of all the things that constitute who you are. I'm not talking the things you've done or the people you know. Really put out a mental sweat and think of 5 different elements that make up the "you" in this world that oppresses those against the "norm" , and leaves them to wither to wind back where they started.

Last thing:
Poem of the day! I continue my series of poems as I continue my quest away from facebook, the plague of all intersocial networks on the interwebs!

Anger

Violent storms
Roll through the mountains
Thunder curses the heavens
Blood is boiling

Sunlight fades
Shadows take over
Hope withers
All is gone

No way back
Spirit low
Away to black

End.

My multiverse version of myself would die in laughter...

2009-10-16T00:41:00.001-05:00

Here I was back then. Maybe I was around 12-15 but I didn't know any better right? I was just enjoying the simple things in life. Like avoiding taking pictures from my parents when they tried to catch me off guard. Life was good.
=================================================

Here is yours truly now. Nothing much has changed for me. Except that I learn as I live in my life. And that is a lesson in itself. I sit there somewhat smiling in my dorm room at my other college I transferred to. Life can't get better? Well not quite....

Besides beginning a new chapter in my life, I have new perspective on things. If you ever took the time and looked back at yourself between the past and the present, you could either notice one of two things:

1. You haven't really changed much at all. No maturity level, no sense of morality, nothing.
2.You have changed exponentially. For better or worse.

In a way, I'm a mix of the two persona. One, there's the mature, more consistent and thoughtful me. And then there's the child in me waiting to manifest itself again to value what is important overall in life. Enjoying life, because you only have one and it goes by so fast it will make your head spin.

I'd like to quote a very good band that really hits home every time I hear them.
"I want to have the same last dream again
The one where I'm awake and I'm alive"
-Angels and Airwaves-The Adventure

For some odd reason, every time I listen to this song, I get goosebumps. Yes, they're a progressive alt-punk band, but they speak with purpose, conviction, and compassion. Those lyrics alone make me reexamine my entire position every time I hear this song anywhere, whether it be on the internet, pandora, the band on tv itself, or anything.

Besides the point, I have yet begun to live. This entire time, up to now, I've been so obsessed with impressing girls, fitting in, and finding more friends than ever since I've transferred to a bigger campus. But that isn't me. The Charle dying to manifest inside is the writer. The artist. The goofball. The friend. The shield. The fighter of injustice. The vigalante. He is everything I'm not right now. But that ends here.

I have already begun the process of transition. I have cut back on facebook, and other obsessive ties with the internet world. I choose to express them throughout the form of drawings, writings(such as this) and reflection upon music.

If everyone in their lives would take 10 minutes to themselves each and every day, it would make them a happier person. I guarantee it.

The whole essence of "finding yourself" has always been misunderstood to me for a very long time. I'm not trying to be modest, but I've been a writer all along. Maybe not so much an artist, but my canvas was the internet. And whomever would reach out to a incomprehensible soul, searching for his own purpose in life. And here I am.

And in all honesty, my writing now sucks bad compared to what I was writing in the past. This isn't even respectable right now. The things I wrote were truly drilled within my soul, and spilled out upon here to express how I was exactly feeling. This just seems like a cheap b-grade horror movie that has good intentions, but doesn't quite cut the cheese. Not like that...

Here's the beginning also of a series of poems that will describe my journey throughout these two weeks of trial, endurance, and reflection. The first poem is inspired by true events:

Free
The hand is lifted
Weight is gone
Pain remains
Just move on

Shrouds of shadow
Echoes of past
Rage arrives
Never it lasts

Path narrows
Direction forward
No regrets
Peace walk toward

It may not make any sense, but it is genuine. And written from the heart. I'll continue to post more poetry and other inciteful writings as the weeks progress. Let's just all hope I'm still here in one piece haha.
Day 1 is down the drain. Bring on Day 2!

Not sure whether or not I'll update weekly or bi weekly, but I'll keep this going until my trial of facebook hiatus is done.

Thanks to all who took the time to read this. Later!

Ready to be new again

2009-10-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

I am the rookie. I am the guy that is new, inexperienced, unnoticed, and waiting. I have the untapped potential to seize the day and make it mine. This is my story and it begins now.

Hello everyone. I am turning over a new leaf in my life. Why the sudden change? Many reasons to be exact.

But in order to understand where I'm coming from, one has to accept and deal with his past demons. So, if you really have time to read this, I welcome all comments and feedback.

This all started with college. A new beginning. New friends. New environment. I was so sick of the word "new" that I'd rather prefer the familiar environments I've grown accustomed to, like my boring hometown(excluding my parents). With the many "new" things heading my way, I felt overwhelmed.

I was transferring to a new school. Trying to branch out to new friends. Got new room mates. All within the first couple of days. And it didn't stop there. New classes. New people. Actually, 50,000 other people. Didn't know what to expect. And they didn't expect me to make it this far. I didn't even expect to make it this far.

Here I am today. 21 years old. Single. Still don't know what I want in life. And I've forgotten where I've come from. I have forgotten the little things in my life that have made me happy. The essentials: God, friends, video games, writing, drawing, and shooting movies. These are the things away from the troubles of corrupt graduate students, trying to impress the ladies, and fitting in this "crowd" of the social norm that everyone expects you to do.

This will change. I am standing firm in my own beliefs, my own ways, and who I am in principle. I am sticking to my essentials in life and I know if I hold onto them, they'll get me where I need to be. I don't need the luxuries of facebook and worries of girls to get in my way every time I need more in my life.

Don't get me wrong: girls are wonderful. One hug alone from them can completely change your whole mood for one day. But alas, not everyone is fortunate to embrace a friendly hug from a pretty girl ever day. It would be blasphemous.

Now is the present. I live in the moment. Not in the past. Not worrying about the future. I am starting a new.
So beginning today, I officially quit facebook. For two weeks. If things go well, I'll bump it up to a month. If they don't, I'll continue my dronal life, keeping tabs on people.

Wish me luck. Because I'll need it!

Oh, and I watch this every time I'm down. Or want to be inspired.
It works!

Good night and live well world.
I will keep tabs on my progress away from facebook on here. If it's vitally important for those who take interest in my life anyways...
There will be tons of projects on the way to occupy my time away from facebook. I'm talking tons and tons of photoshop. Might even do after effects. Simple projects, nothing major until I get back on my feet.

Late night blogging....

2009-09-30T02:53:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I'm still awake. I should be asleep. People that are normal are sleeping at this very moment. Yet I am one of the few that defies this. Or the only one. Who even knows at this point. Or maybe even cares.

My life is spinning right now. Everything I've done, will do, and have done is flying past me at this very second. There's nothing I can do to control it, but I have to try to fight. It's so hard at this point in my life to do something effective because I always wonder whether or not it will make a difference.

For example, I'm going to examine my failures of this week.
-My drawing teacher implied I'm not going to make it into drawing 2.
-The girl I really like has put me in the friend zone. Or even better, I did that to myself.
-I am never focused on my homework. Even when I think I am, I get sidetracked.
-I almost want to give up on school.
-I don't believe I'm going to survive my art history or math classes. I need to work harder, but it's sometimes difficult to pay attention when art history is boring....

And there you have it. My complaints for this week. I wish things were better for me. The only person that can change that for me is myself. I can't let or make anyone choose what I do from this point on.

My life has been consumed with girls at this point. And that wasn't my original intention. I was going to dedicate more time than ever to my studies. Make the grades, meet more people, then have some fun along the way. What the hell happened???

What happened is the exact opposite. I met a good amount of people, played too many video games, and haven't had efficient sleep thanks to good ol insomnia and my brain thinking too much. And to top it off, I haven't been focusing on my studies. And I've been focused on girls.

Girls. You never can understand them. I can't understand them. Girls don't understand girls. And girls don't understand guys. This world is a puzzle in itself. The own complexities of this universe alone is enough to drive someone insane.

This all started with one girl. And it will end with me.
Met a girl a while back. Hit it off well. I was bragging that things were going well between us. I thought so anyways. Turns out when I asked her to a movie Sunday, she turned me down. Or was she lying? I may never know. Who even knows....

But that's it though. I don't know if she was lying or not. She turned me down intentionally because she didn't want to go to the movies with someone she's never met before(granted we've only known each other for 2 weeks, during that time I gave her a gift already).

This post won't revolve around girls. It revolves around the obstacles in my life. I thought that the world was bad already, I have to deal with my own inner struggles like everyone else.
-Insomnia
-Girl problems
-Focus on School work
-Struggling as an artist(both 3D and drawing 1)
-Confidence in myself

Look at myself. I'm awake at 3:00 a.m. in the morning, have class in 5 hours and I'm worrying about girl problems. To top it off, I don't have my drawing homework done, I have a test in two weeks, and I haven't been studying as hard as I need to be. What the hell is wrong with my life?

Where is my focus? Where did I go astray and decide, hmmm.... let's do everything opposite that I dedicated myself to do.
No, this isn't me. This isn't who I built myself to be in the first place.

So here I am. The same 21 year old in college. Miserable, having an identity crisis, and not able to accept what he wants in life. Someone please contact me when I finally have my sanity and full answers to my life, let me know. Don't even freaking hesitate...

That's it for now. Good night or good morning to all.

Hello World.

2009-08-30T21:09:00.001-05:00

Just a quick blog post to end my day.
Just some quick updates and that will wrap up this blog.

Youtube updates:
-Working with a friend to get more viral video projects started. Expect more content later on in the year.
-Unsure about status of TGR 10 as of this moment. School takes up 95% of time and most of my stuff is on my desktop. I only have my laptop.
-I'll try to start more side projects extending beyond the youtube media. This is, but not limited to continuing my podcast, blog posts, and other things.

Mainly school has taken up most of my time. When I finally get around to other projects, I'll keep you updated.
And it would be appreciated if I had input/comments. Just so I know where what direction I could go in this.

Also, check out my friend's blog:
theimpostors.org

Later

Top Job Web Sites

2009-07-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone. I'm going to be posting a blog entry about the best job web sites on the internet.

I would hope that in these trying times that these web sites can provide some sort of direction for those who don't have a job yet, such as myself. Here are some quick links to the best sites I've found for job seekers right at this very second.

http://www.EmploymentCrossing

http://www.Hound.com

http://www.monster.com

http://www.careerbuilder.com

Hope these could be helpful to anyone out there that needs a job!

FLS Updates, X-Mas, and other things aside...

2008-12-26T00:15:00.000-06:00

Still on my X-Mas Break. It's been quite a while since I updated this blog, but I needed something to do.
I have over 3 weeks left on my break and I can't say I've accomplished much.
My brother came to visit, he's leaving in a week to head back to Baltimore, I have moneys saved up to buy myself a nice X-Mas present, and I got the hard-bound book of The Watchmen. Overall, a nice Christmas if I say so myself.

FLS Update

I really wanted to get a lot accomplished over this break in terms of graphic design and short films. That hasn't been the case. This is mainly due to the following:
1.Procrastination
2.Video Games
3. Family
4.Traveling
5.Random "hang outage"

If I wasn't so occupied with those 5 factors, then I would have made 3 short videos by now and post them on youtube.

And the other factor that has delayed my "creative process" is youtube's new policies. Lately, they have been really hacking me off. They eliminated the bulletin feature, so I have no unearthly idea to update my friends on my progress reports for my films. All I can do is compile the clips together on my desktop, and slap them together later on. I'll be able to do this when I have more time..

Just a brief overview of what I had planned:
1. Special FX Demo Reel-This was involving me doing tons of tutorials over special effects (fireballs, soul drains, regeneration, etc) in order to flex my knowledge and work ethic in this field. After all, I'm going to put this stuff to good use later on.

2. Trailer for my film Game On (title pending). I was going to compose a simple trailer( in the style of Cloverfield?) about my latest and greatest project I'm hoping to accomplish before the year is over. I am still working on a script and if I'm lucky, I'll be able to shoot some test scenes before the break concludes.

3.TGR: Webisode 10. This has been delayed numerous times just like Duke Nukem Forever, but I have everything down: the script, the outline, the clips, the materials. I have to edit them all together and it will finally be over. I can move on with my life and potentially start Season 2 if I have high enough of demand. Or I'll just launch Season 2 regardless of feedback because I like doing the simple webshow from my own perspective of things.

4. Side Projects:
-Project Highlight-Putting games in the spotlight that are underrated or aren't played as much as AAA titles in the gaming world.
-Identity Crisis: I have a Clone?-Short film highlighting my twin I spotted last summer on TV at Comic Con?
-Rant Attack!-Pilot episode is mainly to appeal to fans. It completely revolves around my own public opinion about specific topics all ranging from entertainment, war, abortion, our nation, world peace, and so forth.

Very ambitious for just one person, but at least I have a list of things I would like to accomplish before I'm dead/job logged.

The last thing I have to share is I hope things work out for me in school. If I take summer classes, I still have more to take at my next college, but the confusing part is transferring over there with the least amount of headaches possible...
I believe that's it for now. Check back later(to those whoever seem interested) for more updates.

Bravery

2008-06-27T15:43:00.001-05:00

What defines bravery? Is it the fireman that saves the kitty in the tree? Is it the police officer putting cuffs on the drug dealer who was in the neighborhood of 15 year old kids? Or what about the other group? The group that is cast into a generic position of their lives and work for jobs that they don't like at all.

I'll briefly explain the corrleation of bravery to recent events. Beginning with last summer....

Rewind to last summer: It's May 2007. I am job hunting and I run into Braum's. They take me, and I enjoy it for a while. Things go well until the ridiculous hours and little pay. I leave there for bigger game.

Let's jump to July 07. I'm at McDonald's, due to connections, higher pay, and more hours. I enjoy it here for a while, except for two people that are morons.

The first one questions my intelligence. He questions it due to the fact that I graduated from a small town school. And then it turns out he dropped out before he could graduate.
And to make things even better, he was promoted to manager during the first week at McD's.
The second guy was from out of state and thought he was a big shot. They promoted him too and he became a manager. After I left(later on) he was never seen again(as far I know).

Jump to the present day. I am currently with Pizza Hut, but not for long. This is due to 3 hours a night(yah it's pathetic) and little pay. I don't even believe they pay minimum wage( which is supposed to be $6). Due to these factors, I am encouraged, persuaded, and drawn to McDonald's again, which is paying 7 an hour. And I'm guaranteed 40 hours a week. Which will add up to at least 1000 dollars by the end of the month.

By this point I'm pondering, why would I do this? Why would I go back to the place that has fueled a month's worth of frustration with a side order of burns to my skin? It's because of my nature to want something better. And that means that you have to make a compromise and a sacrifice. I must sacrifice my suitable and friendly work conditions now, for a hostile and less-enjoying work environment next week. The compromise will be I still have to run into that guy "Tim" that is incompetent and questioned my intelligence, but it's a small price to pay for a fat pay check every two weeks.

My story is told. Regardless of what we define as "brave", different interpretations can be derived from this word. My "bravery" lies within something we choose to do because of the need, not the luxury. And also the fact that I need moneys doesn't hurt either. We put up with the assholes, morons, and lumberjack bosses because it challenges us with problems. People can choose to run away from these things, or stand up, hold their breath, and tolerate these issues to face their fears and annoyances. This is what constitutes bravery beyond the nominal tasks of public service workers(police,firemen,medics,soldiers)

End

Another rambling of my inner thoughts

2008-06-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

This is my last blog post for this week. I have to keep myself occupied so I don't resort to pouring my feelings out on the interwebs. All I have scheduled for today is work for 4 hours(definitely better than playing 360 all day.. take that sarcasm!), 360 time, then some time with the tv. After that, I don't know.

I hope in the later future to hang out with a compadre of mine. We are trying to destroy this habit of just hanging out once every summer with a record of two times.

I truly wish and hope to be like him gradually someday. He has not a care in the world and still maintains his happiness. I would consider me to worry too much about my personal life(aka no gf or little moneys and uncertain future). It's more of the push of change for me to step up and do something about it, rather than sitting back an basking in the envy of others.

Well, in case anyone happens to stumble upon my blog for any reason wants to know more about me through other forms of media, check out the following:
Youtube: www.youtube.com/frontlinespartan119
Podcast:http://l337cast.mypodcast.com

Any other forms of media, just leave a comment on here if you have become an absolute fan of my writing.
haha that was a joke.
Later

Blog Numero Uno!

2008-06-22T00:58:00.000-05:00

Hello. This is my first blog in a long time. The last blog I did was on myspace and quite frankly, it didn't get any attention. It's very late, almost 1 a.m. as I write this, but I've soley based my decision to create this blog for the purpose of writing my inner thoughts on here. I won't focus on getting numerous feedback from others, but just to reflect on my day, years, weeks, and life in general.

That's about all for this post.

Later