I think my best ideas come at night. Earlier today, I did the usual routine of work, then working out, then eventually home. It's been an OK day. Thankfully, it will speed by and then the first half of this week will be down the drain. Now that we've recapped on my super exciting life(sarcasm?), we'll fast forward to where my mentality states now.
On my drive home from the gym tonight, I did some thinking. It was 7 years since I first started my journey into college, work, then back to where I am now. Living with my madre to help her out. Within that time span, there were a lot of things that happened. Friendships were made, broken, forgotten, forged, and that was it. They were left to linger in the catalog of memories that drove my life narrative forward.
Everything I experienced was meaningful. HvZ, the first time I moved outside of my house to college, my first dorm at OSU(4 year school), my first house I rented away from campus, my first jump into retail/Stillwater job, and everything forward. These things left a lasting impact on my life. They laid the foundation for where I would end up today. Better or worse, they shaped the path I walk on now.
I think the main point of this post this time is humbleness. I am able to finally take a step back and close my eyes, recalling all the memories I have had with friends, former crushes, even career switching. It's bonkers to think 7 years ago, I was barely starting on this path and didn't know what I wanted to do.
7 years ago, I had still wanted to be a graphic designer, go to OSU(or UNT was the second choice) and finish my degree that way. No one told me it would take 7 years, blood, sweat, and tears to carve my own road to get there. Everything was set before me for a reason. It seems I've come full circle at this moment as I've begun where I've been staying now. Home.
I had it made. I was working a retail job I cringed at, hanging with friends, blasting zombies, watching movies, making my own schedule, and just enjoying life. Then, my grades slipped, I struggled to figure out what I wanted to be/do forever, a major loss in the family, and pressure to succeed trampled me. I didn't think there was a way out.
I wrote about my dark climb out of failure, and the long road to redemption. I'm not going to harp on it again because it's something that happened and it shaped my beliefs on success and failure in my life. I will say, 2 factors pushed me out of the abyss and kept me afloat. A good friend of mine and HvZ, which encompassed friends, being more outgoing in general, and letting go of all my insecurities. It was the first time I felt fearless. Nothing could go wrong.
This friend is awesome. His prowess with women is outstanding and something I'll never solve. Maybe that's what makes it special. It's a mystery, but he used it for good. It was awesome to see the other side of a guy that women just throw themselves at. Even if he got to pick and choose what happened. He gave me hope that with enough willpower and faith, anything could happen. I'm proud to say he's happily married today with a family.
HvZ I talk about a lot, but it serves its purpose. I have met so many wonderful people during the game event and beyond. I've forged friendships that have been unbreakable and had memories that would last a lifetime and then some. This was the first catalyst that pulled me out of my dark place.
We all know what happened, but if it wasn't for a friend that gave me a flier for HvZ, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today. I am thankful he did this. If I didn't do it, I would have never been involved in such an awesome community event and see it grow as big as it did. I recently took a break from the past game, but it may be time to return. Only time will tell.
Lastly, what happened? 7 years ago, I was starting my life. Going to school, meeting new people, getting out of my comfort zone. Before that, all I knew was Perry, Oklahoma. The town that never grows, changes, or evolves. I thought I was doomed to be here forever. And that's it. Life didn't look so great for me.
But you want to know the difference between then and now? It was my mental freedom. I had such high hopes for everything. I was going to venture off on my own, meet a million friends, find the love of my life, be famous, and never return to where I began again. I had the world in my palm, and the possibilities were endless. I didn't think it could ever get bad.
Well, now my head has been slammed on the table they call "life". Things happen, people change, drift apart, mentalities change, and somewhere along the way I reverted back to myself. I devolved. Something inside me ticked saying "you're not good enough anymore. Your art sucks. You'll never be good. Just stay quiet and keep your head down. Eventually, you'll find your own peace."
I don't want to be tied to this fate. I want to find fulfillment in my life, even if I have to search forever. The best news is, everything that happens goes in cycles. For everything bad that happens, it will be balanced with good, or meh. Meh is way better than bad.
And yes, I'll have to deal with the same crap again. And again. Again. And lastly, again. It shouldn't be new to me at all.
I think the best advice I can give to myself, present and future, is throw it away. Throw away all your doubts, insecurities, shame, and worry behind you. People don't own you. Know you. Or even are close to realizing who you are. You're so much more than matter composed of DNA and electrons. You're given purpose on this planet and universe because you have to go find it. It won't be given to you.
And keep optimism alive. There's so much bad in this world it's easy to forget how grateful we should all be. Be thankful for the things and people you have in this world. You may never know how long we have those moments.
Rest well and until next time.
