Identity clashes with Reality

Prelude: For the sake of tight writing, I'm budgeting 30 minutes to type up this blog post. I think I should be able to address all of my thoughts and feelings that are currently swimming through my head in this time period. Any extension of these thoughts beyond the time limit will be not genuine to what I'm currently thinking.

Does he ever stop truly being "Batman"?

With that out of the way, how's it going world? I see everything is going quite swimmingly well. We're about to switch Presidents later this year, we don't have real hoverboards yet (come on scientists, get on this!), people are getting hurt over stupid clashes of ideology, and I've still been banished to the friend zone. Just another day in the modern day of society right? haha.

Sometimes, when we all push forward with our lives, wanting to better ourselves in different aspects of our life, we hit a point where we need to slow down. We get so caught up in just rushing to an end game, we refuse to look at the things around us, the people that talk to us that affect our daily mindset. I believe it's something we should always do. Life isn't going to go anywhere. We have so much time on this planet and we shouldn't waste it, but we shouldn't be running ourselves into the grave either.

For the past 2-3 years, I've been sprinting into things. Taking initiative at work(ohh... that will be a nice little tangent for another day), talking to as many people as I can, some single, attractive senoritas that I had no chance in hell with, trying to shift my career options to better myself, and on this constant urge to learn as much as I can before I'm on my death bed. I've been more active on the Internet(with reddit) and it's mostly been positive. I've been talking to an awesome girl named Lily and I'm thankful for that :)

*Note: I realize people can easily "pretend" to be different people on the Internet, but I trust that Lily is as awesome as she declares to be. And that she is a girl ! haha

So back to sprinting through my life. Eventually, if you keep sprinting, unless you've been training all your life to balance yourself for different bursts of energy, you get winded. Sometimes you recover quickly, tie your shoes back up and get rocking back on the path. Other times, it takes you longer to bounce back, and really start to question your purpose in the first place. (What am I, an expert on marathon running now? pshawww nope!)

The whole purpose of this metaphor is to describe my current mindset now. I've been sprinting to take on so many things in life that I got burned out fast. And not even a 3 day paid vacation could fix that. I got so obsessed with doing everything and planning things, that when I was let down, people stopped showing up, and things didn't go my way, I got mad and disappointed that I held high expectations from friends and people in general and it didn't work out for me at all. I ended up being let down, turned down, or left out to dry. It didn't seem like there was much hope left for me to look into.

This is why I've been more cynical lately. I work a retail job and in a nutshell(oh trust me, I could list out at least 50 different stories of the great and worst of retail jobs) it made me see the worst in humanity. We don't read anymore. We expect people to serve us on a silver platter. We don't acknowledge the minor things, even when it could be the highlight of someone's day. I saw only the worst in people because everyone was so absorbed in this culture of self hedonism, instead of trying to better everyone else.

Everyone wants to trip over others to get ahead of the guy behind them. They'll do whatever it takes and they don't care what the cost will be. I grew disgusted of this. But then, finally realizing internalizing my feelings won't do any good and I didn't have the cajones to do anything about it actively, I reached another solution. I let go of caring so much. I stopped caring about what others thought of me or expected of me. Or what I expected of them. And "liberating" is an understatement to attest to how I felt about all of it.

For all of my life, I've been labeled a "nice guy". I care about people, I do what's right, what's best, and what I felt strongly about. I try to help others out, but this is also got me bullied in my earlier childhood days, as well as banishing me to the dreaded "friend zone", that I can climb out of occasionally. Overall, I stay a nice guy because it's all I've ever known and any attempts for me to be assertive, selfish to pursue my own goals, or stand up for myself make me look like the biggest asshole on the planet. And I feel bad for that, and all the repercussions it may cause in my various social ecosystems of people I know.

This goes back to the title right now. Identity clashing with reality. Who am I? What is Charle the "artist"? What is "Charle the "thinker"? Why is Charle the "nice guy"? "Who is Charle the "dreamer"? Who is Charle the "leader"? Who is Charle the "prisoner of the friend zone"?And what do any of these titles have to do with who Charle is today?

The identity crisis is kicking in because I'm putting away a part of who I was when I was actively sprinting in my life and throughout the year, in exchange for sitting back and letting things happen. This conflicts with what I liked being in the first place because it was how I felt internally, instead of donning an artificial persona for the needed situation.

And in all honesty, this is the real Charle talking. This is the realest version of myself you will ever meet in real life. It's just that this Charle is suppressed or benched because people don't understand his thought tangents, or they are intimidated by it. People only seem him as that quiet guy at work that won't say anything. So wit's ok to assume that he has no friends, no life, and that it's fine to take advantage of him if an opportunity presents itself..That we live in a society that looks down upon intelligence and connecting with people through like minded personalities, instead of indulging ourselves in sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

This is why our society is in decay. We don't care anymore about being insightful, what we feel and how we really want to act around people. We instead, put up a wall and don different personalities as a defense mechanism. Because we are afraid that others won't accept us for who we really are. And though it is toxic to our own lives, it's safe and acceptable.

These thoughts are exactly why I've become so cynical toward people lately. It's ironic because I work a retail job and I have to deal with at least 1000 different people each day. And I have to adapt to each situation, personality, or demographic accordingly. It's for survival and to keep my job in tact.

Alas, not all is lost though. I've just stopped caring completely. I know there is good in people, that we all really care in some capacity, but it's not going to be everywhere. And that instead of addressing issues head on and being adults about things, we cower because we don't want to step on anyone else's toes. But it's totally ok to take advantage of people that are trying to do right in this world, despite always being looked down upon for not drinking, not doing every drug on the planet, not sleeping with everyone and wanting a fulfilling relationship with someone I care about, walking a path of a Christian in this modern age, fearing the aftermath of the presidential election this year, and always wondering how f*cked up this world is that people are still killing each other in the name of clashing ideologies. (all of that was sarcasm by the way)

Part of my shift in mindset has allowed me to have a learning renaissance. As my wonderful friend, Lily, mentioned in the past, our experiences shape who we are today, whether they are good or bad. And because of this I always strive for going for the truth, no matter how hard it will hurt, sting, or batter your own ego. I believe we should all stop hiding our own emotions and get it out in the open, so that way no one's time is wasted and we can all have closure. We aren't going to be on this planet forever, so we should all make the best use of time, sharing ideas, building each other up, and never leaving on this quest for knowledge. It's part of what life is.

And I don't believe that every human on this planet has to converse with their thoughts daily, constantly, and forever. It's ok to listen. People have a lot to offer this world, but if we have to take the time to listen. God crafted us these wonderful organs called ears and they take in sound waves that we convert to verbal statements and affect how we feel about them. Instead of yammering on about nonsense, I'd encourage everyone to take a couple of seconds and think about what we're saying before we throw it out there. Of course, sometimes intuition overrides logic and that is understandable, but regardless we should be more aware of our thoughts and feelings.
Lastly, I'm going to touch base on my love life. Because it just so happens that it's an important factor in everyone's life to see how they measure up. Everyone's either playing the field, got a significant other, or having so much luck with the opposite sex they are wearing sunglasses, driving a lambo, and laughing with their bags of money. Ok ,why did I toss in that last statement? Trust me, there is a point to this, baby birds...

I personally believe that what love is or relationships has been highly degraded in this past decade. To it's own defense, I know some couples that are truly happy together and care about each other with everything they have. And that's awesome. That's how it SHOULD be. Marriage and having the merit of being in a relationship shouldn't be some social status that everyone has to compete for.

But again, I have no reason to talk. I have never been in a relationship before. Hell, my track record with pretty girls is 8/17. Most of them ended with friend dates that never progressed or I was shut down completely. I have never squared up at a pretty girl, looked at her in the alluring eyes she holds deeply to her heart and asked her out on a date to end all dates. Because I'm too concerned with my cowardice or how bad rejection will be. And I don't want to step on any toes. Or that I'm not good enough. Or her type. Or that she's already seeing someone. Or she's moving to France. Or I get friend zoned, then strung along , planting bread crumbs that there may be lingering feelings left for me.

In all seriousness though, my own defeat in my love life is my own fault. I could have taken action when it was called for, but I never made a move. Or that I can't decipher the female language or mind to the extent where I can competently converse and socialize with them so they don't think I'm a complete weirdo.
 

Hahaha look at where I am now. 28 years old, a kid at heart, too sluggish in his career path, and an overall nice guy. Someone that won't stand up for himself because he suppresses who he really is and people are fearful of the truth. That I won't agree with your ideologies on life, who is a better president candidate, or why the bane of my love life isn't entirely my fault. Or that instead of pretending to be happy and optimistic all the time, we should be truthful and seek out what the world really is, not what we think it is.But well, I think I'll shut up now. Any more words from me and my audience that reads this will think I'm some psycho that needs therapy and more friends. Because if I don't try to fix my problems in a concrete and by-the-book procedure, I'll forever remain an outcast on society.

I know not all the world is bad. I have some great friends and I've met some great people along the way, but my spirit is tired. I grow tired because the real Charle that longs to express who he is and is appreciated for what he brings to society will always be benched. And in his place, a substitute that will shut his own mouth, do as he's told, and not want to step on any toes so he'll keep his feelings and thoughts to himself, at the cost of his own deteriorating self esteem.

I end this post with a lingering thought. I may appear more cynical than I was in the past, but I've had my eyes open to the truth. I respect people that are truthful with me and go after what they want. In contrast to those that want to play nice all the time and never dare themselves to go beyond the norm. At this point I just have stopped expecting so much from others and people in general. I've let go of everything I've cared about. It may make me appear colder, but I still care. I just need to set my priorities straight and focus on my own needs at the moment. I wouldn't encourage everyone to do this, but sometimes we have to be selfish and put our needs ahead of others, but at the same time be aware of the repercussions of said decision.

Hopefully when I chime in the future about where I am, I'm better than where I was today. I'm sure heroes like Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker have to deal with this stuff all the time.

Until next time, keep kicking ass, world.

Charle

Challenge Accepted! Write a narrative about your life within 30 minutes! Go!

(Introduction paragraph)
Hey world! So, I'm trying something new this time. Yes, it's still about me ranting about the things going on in my life, but here's the kicker: I'll have 30 minutes to finish and it'll all be a story narrative instead of first person mode. It's good to switch things up from time to time, so let's give it a shot! Go!

   Charle awoke from his slumber, feeling the dread of his aging soreness, questioning where it came from in the first place. After surviving the annual chaos of graduation day in his college town, he retired to his living quarters for some well deserved sleep.

To spare the readers too much boring details, Charle was invited to many events yesterday. Several of them involved working out, numerous get together events and parties for graduation, and ultimately doing nothing at his apartment. Instead of doing everything, Charle stuck with doing nothing. It wasn't the most exciting thing for his night, but things would progress later. And it would work out for him.

To Charle's dismay of recapping previous events that have progressed, he is going to type them out anyways. He believes this is the best way to get over himself and move on with his darn life, even if he looks at it later in disgust. In order to move forward, Charle needs perspective while looking back and his thoughts in the past.

Graduation day harbors feelings of insecurity for Charle because of many reasons. First, he is slapped in the face with what he has been doing for the past 2 years of his life if he hasn't worked for a better job yet. Second, if he claims to have improved his confidence and gained the support of many friends, why is his incompetence talking to attractive women worse than the ratings of Batman vs. Superman?

Charle wants answers, but does realize it will never be that easy. He has learned at this point, he has to stop whining about nothing ever goes his way and just go for it. It's easier for him to hide in cowardice at rejection or get comfortable at his current job, but he knows it's not his end game. He wants things to improve but he has an awful work ethic. He knows what he loves in life and is in a constant battle with balancing the need to have a successful career while not having the personality of a dried potato.

The entirety of this journey hasn't been all bad though. Charle has renewed his interest in Humans vs. Zombies, when he was well beyond his days at college. He's found confidence in himself as a leader and opened his mind to so many new friendships because of this.
There's a pretty awesome girl that he'd like to ask out on a date someday, but he's terrified of the aftermath. It's to the point where he has prolonged it for almost a year and heavy competition has entered the playing field. What stands between him and his right to move on is closure, and Charle is the worst at doing this.

Before we revisit the recent topic Charle is talking about, he'll jump over to discussion of his career. Charle feels that his time is coming to an end with his current job, but he is hitting a wall. Does he want to advance in the company to other positions to further his resume? Or should he devote all of his energies to finding a different job, that offers more advances to his career and financial stability?

Another thing that Charle is concerned about is his artwork and writing. He has so many thoughts and ideas swimming around his head, endless as the oceans of the world. But the thing holding him back is the world will not accept what he puts out there. They will bash on it and it will never meet the full expectations of what others think of him. This leads to Charle losing much self esteem and just wanting to give up on being a decent graphic designer in general.

Not all is lost for our young hero, Charle. For all the setbacks he's been through, there has been good. The friendships he has established these past 2 years have been vital for his personal growth. He has always despised change, but it's a catalyst that pushes through with what life throws at him. Charle doesn't need to fully understand why things happen as they are. He just needs to get with the program and know that at each instance of his life, he has a chance to affect how it turns out. He needs to push himself and stop worrying about what others will think of his life at the moment and keep going.

And as many times as Charle doesn't want to compare himself to others, it happens. He looks at the success of other people and beats himself up knowing if he would have made his work ethic more disciplined, he would be right up there with him. But then another epiphany hits him: Does he want to set on the path many others are on? Or should he just go with where he is and see where it leads him?

Charle needs to understand that no one is going through what he is going through. And others are on a separate path from his. That's why he is still unsure about growing close to others. He wants to make new friends and forge new relationships, but he doesn't know how long it will last. They could pack up their bags and move out tomorrow, but life would still move on. Knowing this, Charle sticks to his philosophy of playing it by ear.

As Charle glanced at his phone with the timer for this prompt, he felt the need to type quicker to get back o the topic that he has been infatuated with: his crush. Charle can't honestly say he thinks she is "the one" but wants closure to this part of his life. He has already even predicted why it's doomed to fail between he and his crush, but he still charges on. Because somewhere in him is speaking to him saying this girl is worth it. Even if it doesn't fully work out, she has left a positive impact on his life that he can carry on with him until the next chapter begins.

Charle will hate building resentment toward his prospect if things don't fully work out. He's got to be honest with himself, or continue living a lie. Ultimately, Charle wishes he could stop being such a coward and express how he really felt about this awesome girl and that connecting with her outside of their usual meeting place would be enlightening for him.

This crush of Charle's seems to accept his awkward nature and his generally good mannered spirit. She's not like most girls, and finds her sense of sarcasm endearing and playfully charming. He doesn't know how things will end up playing out, but as he's brought on his legion of friends for advice with this, it's time to rip the band aid off. She either likes him and things can expand. Or not, she gets with Captain Mcd#$%^&*(! and he focuses solely on his career, keeping his distance from her.

He doesn't fully mean this as an insulting manner, but this is the only way to get over her.

And with that, Charle ends this post with some thoughtful last words:
Whatever you're doing now, you're investing for your future. The one person you have to help yourself is you, Charle. Everything that's happening can be changed by your actions today, 10 minutes from now, tomorrow, and what happens 5 years from now. You have to continue taking that step forward, no matter how tired you are and keep going. And don't let fear hold you back. We're all terrified of something, but that hasn't stopped us before. Until next time.

Charle