I say this with much reluctance because I, like many others one would hope, have enjoyed my time in school. I have got to meet so many people, learn a lot about myself and other things, and it's always had it's place in my life.
I would have a daily routine of waking up, getting ready for class/work, then heading off to do that thing for a good 5-6 hours, then rushing home, chatting with others about school related stuff, then game over. Rinse and Repeat the next day.
It's really here though. My last days as a college student and just a learning drone in general are numbered. I would have never imagined back in 2009 when I transferred here I would get out of here. And move on. I meet it with uncertainty and almost disbelief that I made it this far and the world didn't end.
Back in 2009, when I got here, I picked Graphic Design as my major. I was headstrong having a great background in Adobe CS4-5 and thought I could take on the world. Yes, to an extent. Knowing everything doesn't mean you necessarily KNOW everything. Boy, I was wrong.
After an exhausting and time consuming 2 years, it was finally time to cut ties and move on. It was unhealthy for me to keep pushing my ideas forward as what I saw as "art" or presentable, compared to what this school's standard of art is. I had to learn the hard way.
It was never an easy path to get here. I've faced so many hardships(yah right. 1st world problems. Thanks Lando) thus far, but have yet to still bounce back. I guess it's more of my mental state that has been drained more than my body. There was still a spark in me somewhere to keep going to class. Keep seeing the same people in the class. And yet, never taking enough risks to fully say I had no regrets. But the end of the line is here....
In a matter of days, I'll be walking on that stage, grabbing that piece of paper, then be done with school forever. Just working and surviving after that. Is this really what lies ahead for me in the post-graduate era?
In 2009 when I graduated junior college, I strongly didn't want to go to another 4 year school. It would throw me thousands of dollars in debt(as most students are), and I just felt going into the workforce would have helped out. Do I regret that decision now? Yes and No.
I imagine a world where I did skip OSU altogether and I went straight into the workforce. Realistically gauging myself, I would probably have taken up some other part time job, try to work some other side job and apply frantically for design jobs. I would get rejected to 80% of them because compared to "educated and trained" students, my work would be complete garbage. Yah, sounds about right. With enough persistence, I would eventually land a job somewhere and be content with it. Until the next big step in my life came along.
Social life would hopefully improve at this point. I would try to branch out to create a bigger network of friends, but it would ultimately hinge upon myself. Would I succumb to being a total recluse and not talk to anyone? Or would I become so obnoxious you couldn't shut me up even if we were at a rock concert? One may never know.
And now there is this universe. Let's call it universe A. In universe A, this Charle goes to OSU, tries to expand and continue his career in graphic design, but ultimately fails. He tries 2 times to get past the review, but it never clicks for him. After dealing with failure and depression for a bit, he scrambles to find a new major while simultaneously praying he finishes within 5 years total.
After I had been rejected from the design program at my school, I had felt worthless. That there was no hope for me to keep going in school. Yes, I could have switched majors, taken the easy way out by dropping out, but that wasn't me.
Then I decided to reflect on this spiritually. I prayed hard the next couple of days, talked to those that supported me, and had to decide if this was how it was going to end or if I was going to fight.
God wasn't giving me the answers I wanted, but I gave him time. Things like this couldn't magically appear out of nowhere. Luckily, I believe my prayers were answered the following day.
I was walking home from school one time after class and it was a normal day. I had went to class, got my assignments, the usual business. Walking home, it was a nice afternoon, but still chilly. They say things just sort of hit you when you least expect it and it did. I believe God was talking to me that day. Because after that, I just knew that things would work themselves out in the end. I felt some burst of motivation and push to keep going. And a warmth of comfort, some reassuring hand over my shoulder guiding me to the next stage of my life.
And it wasn't only that. It was a feeling letting me know that things would be OK. Somehow, in the universe that I dwelled upon, all these hardships I had faced now would be nothing to me in 5 years from 2009. And he was right.
No, I couldn't have predicted my father's death, or how it was going to affect me mentally or spiritually. Or that most of my friends would move on with wives or girlfriends, even with their careers. But that's usually how God works. He doesn't give me or anyone direct answers, and lets people find their own path. He's just there to catch your faith and turn that energy into something that can fuel you to success in life and beyond. Just knowing that each time you get knocked on your ass and beaten to the point of no return, there's always a way to climb back up and fight back.
When things got bad for me, I had God to rely upon. I don't care what your religious view is. The way my dad put it, all religion is essentially trying to teach others not to be a horrible person in life. And I keep that with me every day.
God also led me to the next era in my life: my defining years.
Then a friend mentions journalism. If I couldn't design the things I love, I could at least get something manageable that would support me and I could continue my design skills as a hobby. It was a different and rough path to take, but I did it. And it was the best decision I made in my life.
From 2011 and beyond, I did nothing but improve. I met many friends and felt like I had a social life again. I had formed actual connections with people I would have never met if I kept trying to force a path I couldn't take any longer.
I had an inner struggle to take one path and one path only to be successful, but that was only one side of the coin. There were numerous ways for me to fulfill my dream of being a designer or journalist and it didn't have to be through just 1 graphic design program.
The biggest lesson, if anything, I learned with my time at OSU is that life will not end even if it throws a hammer at your face. Ok, let me explain. When I was rejected from the graphic design program, I felt everything I put into(at least what I did) had been destroyed and for nothing. There didn't seem like any way out of it or to secure my career or path of graduation at all. Nothing seemed like it would get better.
Through my relationship with God, the support of my family and friends, I made it through. My problems are meaningless compared to others out in the world, but everyone faces their own battles. And this was mine.
I had to prove to myself that I could be just 25% better than the other average Joe out there. I may not win in the looks or smarts department to the general audience of the female variety, but damn it, the things I went through deserve some applause. Most people would take the easy way out and drop out of school altogether. Not even give a second thought of switching majors and trying to bounce back. Crushing the dreams of all my enemies was a big habit of mine. And it turns out that day I talked to my NEW adviser changed things drastically.
But what makes my story any different from any other person? Doesn't everyone go through failure, doubt, and heartbreak? That's true my fellow compatriot, but this journey has been one of self-discovery. And redemption.
 |
| Like Batman, I like standing on buildings in the middle of thunderstorm! |
Now that I'm done recapping this portion of my journey of redemption, it's on to the next chapter. Post-graduation. I'm going to be missing all of my friends that are leaving here(some staying) and then questioning what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. It's never easy or definite to say one thing to close it all up. I face the future by venturing off into the bold unknown.
And it's terrifying. The past 5 years have changed drastically for me, Stillwater, and my circle of friends. I'm a lot older, my careers have changed, and I'm done with my career academically. The worst part is I have no clue what I'm doing after this. Do I confine myself to a life living in Stillwater Forever? Or do I jet off somewhere exotic and disappear from my known network of people forever? The possibilities are endless.
And why should I care what others think of my future plans or career? They're not the ones taking this path. It's me. I have to choose what the next step is.
Change is always going to happen. At this point, instead of trying to ambiguously and passively fight it, I embrace it. Things are always going to happen in life, good or bad. People that you love one day may move on, not be here anymore, or just decide to stop talking to you forever. It's bound to happen. The best any of us(and me) can do is let it sink in, then keep going. There's no sense in dwelling upon past things that you can't change anymore.
I could be self-defeating and let my past haunt me all day. Or I could take what happened in the past, learn from it, and improve from this point on. I think that will serve me better in the long run.
I may not be the most successful, handsome, clever, or most intelligent guy on this planet or universe, but there's always a reason to keep going. And that one person is actually my Dad.
With the time left I have at school, I have thought of several times hitting up a psychologist at school just for some downtime therapy to get over it, but I am too prideful to do this. It's something I'd love to talk about, but every time I hint at opening up, it gets awkward. People just seem to passively accept it's ok to ignore something that I hold dear to my heart or that it's something they'll worry about later. And inevitably, it will be.
My Dad, is my biggest inspiration to never giving up. He came here to this country with a suitcase, some clothing, and maybe $50 bucks. He stayed with relatives, but he knew he had to strike it out on his own to become his own man. And he never looked back.
Fast forward to the 2000's and you have my brother and I and my loving mother. We had a great time these past 25 years(of my life!) and I don't regret any of it. We had some hard times and great times, just like anyone, but it always told me that family would always be there for you. Even when you think you have nothing, you are still something to them. And that's worth fighting for.
Back to my Dad. He passed away only 2 years ago, but it feels like forever. It's not something I talk about often because then people may judge me and believe I'm just telling this story to feel bad for myself. In reality, if I don't do this, it's going to slowly decay at my own existence in the end. I just feel the need to spread the lessons and memories my Dad made with me during his time on this planet. And that he was one of the coolest people ever.
He is the reason I am where I am today. After failing the graphic design program, it's not an easy task to explain to your parents why you're not moving onto something that should get you graduated and a job. How could I even begin to phrase it? My brother was already awesome-o maximus in terms of grades and achievements, and then there's me. Good ol' average me. Not the best in grades, but usually stronger in empathy.
Well, instead of fully yelling at me about my failures, my parents were both supportive. They wanted me to understand that what I went through had to be something I learned on my own(like my pal Mitch Smith made me realize later) and that was the only way. No one was going to hold my hand and make sure I succeeded. It was all on me.
I had to think fast. I didn't want to let them down. But the one thing I will never forget of my loving father and mother is that they always believed in me. No matter how many times I got knocked on my ass, times that pretty girls blatantly ignored me or rejected me, they always supported me. Even if it was something as childish as still obsessing over Legos. Or wanting to buy tons of toys while splurging on video games at an arcade. They were with me to the end of my Dad's days. And my mom alongside my family still is.
Without my Dad's push and inspiration, I would not be here today. I had even considered dropping out of college at one point because I had lost the will to go on after his death. But then I looked at myself again, and then realized this. I'm not going to graduate magna cum laude or valedictorian. Or even be CEO of some Fortune 500 company right out of college, but I'm going to do this for myself to prove I can succeed, any idiot can finish college and to honor my Dad's memory. Because he wanted me to be successful, no matter what I decided to do. It's what I owe to him for raising me to be who I am now and who I want to be.
I severely wish he was still here right now. I miss him every damn day I walk outside, embrace the warmth of the sun, and watch the leaves scatter off the ground and blow back into the air. He was always the positive side of hope I needed when things went straight to hell. When I stopped believing in myself. And when I needed that push to keep going.
I don't know exactly what he would tell me now, but I would hope it would be he's proud of me and of all I've accomplished. That I've been able to turn his tragedy into something that strengthened me to believe again. And to honor his memory with me graduating and taking care of my mom the best I could.
He's up there in Heaven now. Which still reinforces my hypothesis for life. Every cool or awesome person on this planet dies young or retires too early. That's just a law of the universe. So I've been flirting between the lines of having confidence and potential to be awesome. Or have the personality of burnt toast.
I wrote this blog because I have been quite emotional lately because of school ending and not knowing what the next step will be. Everything familiar and comforting for me will soon change or shatter. I can't rest easy knowing it's going to be smooth sailing until I get a job. Because that day of reckoning has already arrived. It is this Saturday.
Well, I end this blog with a hopeful statement. While we can't rewind time or predict the future, don't let that control your fate. Your life is in constant motion. And every waking second you choose not to change it for your better well being is your own decision.
So make the most of it while you can.
No comments:
Post a Comment