There is always hope. It is just a long climb....

There is always hope. You just have to know where to look..

To be honest with myself, I haven't been too happy lately. The people around me seem fathoms happier than yours truly, and that bothers me. I want to enjoy their happiness, but I want it to be a global thing. I want others to ascend to a level of happiness and include me in on the action too. The world I would think, would be a lot better that way.

 The scene I picked for this post is in the Dark Knight Rises. *Spoilers!*  In the movie, Bane throws him in some dungeon in a remote location. Crippled and spirit destroyed, Bruce Wayne must climb his way out and get back in the fight. The inhabitants there have mentioned many have tried to climb their way out, but only one person has ever done that(it was Bane, obviously!) Being as stubborn and strong willed as Bruce Wayne is, it was never an easy task to do. Bane broke his back and kicked him down there, making him consider a lot of things while he recovered.

Eventually, our battered hero starts to ascend the seemingly bottomless pit and is back on the track for redemption. In my honest opinion, it wasn't how I was expecting nor wanting the Nolan trilogy to cap off, but it was decent enough. The Batman movies(the Nolan Trilogy) can connect to people in such a captivating way to give them hope.

Why did I use this picture as my example for this post? Because the Nolan trilogy is a prime example of what everyone can go through in their lives. Tragedy, heartbreak, depression, ascension, redemption, stability. Though he is a fictional character, seeing him go through his struggles, both internal and external, made this entire film trilogy a timeless classic. Nolan is, hands down, one of the most influential directors of all time to convey a superhero film the way he did.

This post isn't about me being a film critic. It's about me relating this masterful movie trilogy and pointing out the parallels in my life. No, my parents weren't murdered in a dark alley by some thug and caused me to don an alternate ego to avenge them. As I mentioned earlier, he's just getting hit in the face by this thing we all call "life".

How does this relate to me? Right now, I'm what experts would call a "rut" in life. The friends I have around me(most of them) are starting to form into "couple" units, or seem to be more successful in aspects I have failed hard at. Is it jealousy? Yes. To say it isn't would be ignorant and confronting problems I have is better than always having a condescending attitude about things.

The next thing is that gray area with trying to be direct to people, but holding back. As humans, we're all instinctively designed to be flawed. We make mistakes all the time, but the best thing we can do is own up to them. One of the things that makes our lives great is being honest. Sometimes honesty isn't always the best way to handle things, for fear of making things a lot more awkward or potentially losing a best friend.

What do I do then? Do I pen up these feelings and harbor them until things finally hit a climax and create worse things? Or do I be honest about it and risk losing a friendship I've established over the past decade that has been stabilized and strong up to this point? I honestly don't know.

Another thing in this "rut" that conflicts with my happiness is friendship or relationships in general. No, they don't always have to be boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, they can just be professional or acquaintance relationships.

The biggest problem I have with them is it's difficult for me to see why I would want to invest in them.  I have friends here and there, but is it really worth it, when they pick up some significant other and break off ties with you?

On their behalf, not all of my friends are like this. There are those that genuinely care about my well being and want me to be happy and successful. And for that, I am thankful. I'm thankful that God could have us cross paths and take on this rocky road together, instead of going lone wolf again.

But when they do get wrapped up in everything they're doing, they're happier, start a new relationship and things are going so fast that you're left behind, it sucks. It sucks because instead of maintaining a balance between dedicating time to hang out with your boys, you're off with a new girl that you don't even know you want to be serious with. This may seem like a low blow to a particular friend of mine, but it's not. I have had this scenario play out several times and it just gets annoying knowing I can do little to intervene or amend this dilemma for myself and not do it in the name of a selfish act.

I have no control over what happens. Best thing that happens to him/them is they get married, start a family and then say sayanora to being carefree and a bachelor. Worst case scenario is things collapse, they go their separate ways, then back to square one.

Of course, all of that is hypothetical and only God will know what happens to them. Besides the person themselves involved in that scenario.

This is why I'm so cautious with trying to meet new people. Maybe it's why it's tough for me to talk to women too. Every investment I make in connecting with new people is something that is always a gamble for me. This may be viewed in a pessimistic way, but I am starting to understand that my circle of friends is diminishing. There are those that are still there, but they're living their own lives and I should be happy for them, but I'm not. I want that happiness too! I want that acceptance and good feeling they always experience when someone they are with accepts them for who they are and doesn't expect them to absurdly modify what they have fought to mold into to appeal to them.

And that's where my next problem comes in. I would have thought that thus far in my life, I was happy with who I am, where I've come from, and who I'll turn out to be. If that were only the easy part. Now, because all of this stuff is happening, I don't know anymore. I want that happiness other people have found, but it seems to always come so later in life for me.

I want to be able to do the things I love and not be judged for it. I want to also be able to meet others that seem to like the stuff I like doing or at least accepting of it. I guess in life you can't always have your cake and eat it. If I like video games, girls don't like video games and think it's weird. If I dress up too professional or uptight, I give off a bad vibe that I'm too strict about stuff. And it makes me feel uncomfortable. There's no middle ground between being happy who I am and changing to have others accept me so I can branch out more. It's either one or the other. I don't intend on doing the ladder because I dealt with it in high school..

The best thing to do in this situation is to move on with my life. Being trapped in the past doesn't help me move forward, it just holds me back. A good example is this clip from 500 days of Summer, one of my all-time favorite movies ever.



I can't say that I went exactly through what Tom was going through, but I can say it runs parallels to my situation. He puts all his hopes and dreams on the lovely Summer(Zooey) and when things don't work out for him, he slips into a depression that just seems to keep spiraling. The beginning of the clip is him climbing out of that hole and moving on with his life. He doesn't hang onto something that he couldn't make work. He puts all of his feelings and efforts into architecture and it lands him a job, and a date. Not to say that will happen to me if I poured all of my feeling into something I was passionate about something awesome will happen to me, but it's worth a try.

I know I've rambled on enough (because this is the 2nd post for today) because it's obvious when I look at this later, it will be a wall of text that I am unsure whether I want to go read again. I'm just frustrated and need to vent everything out there and this is a prime place to do it. Whether it's feeling insignificant and inferior at work, getting back-seated in established friendships, or trying to move on, I have to fight to make that change. I am the only one that can change that.

And I don't mean to end every post with some incitement, meaningful and inspiring paragraph about how you can turn your life around. I just view it as a personal pat on the back to myself and to others. There is always hope out there. Even when things may suck the hardest and everything seems to go wrong, with no one to turn to (except God), it will always get better. It's something I won't understand now, or 5 years from now when I hopefully have a good career and more things going on for me now, but as of now, it's something I'll have to fight with. I hope that future me will look at this later and say that's where I was at that time. Now I'm different because I chose to make it different and better for myself.

I'll be gone for a month from America, the Beautiful. I'm going to Thailand to visit family again, get away from the struggles of real life, and get to know where my mom and dad grew up. Plus I haven't been there since I was 13! Time sure flies by. Maybe it will be therapeutic for me to do this. I will clear my head with what is going on, take in the beauty that Thailand is and finally lay to rest my father's ashes in the sea.

I just want you to know Dad, that it's been rough not having you around now. Even if it's little things, there is no element from our past that I forget about you. I miss you so much and wish you were still with us. It might be easier for me to get through this phase of my life if I had you to talk with. You went through stuff like this and I sure would recover faster. But you're not here. You're with God and in my dreams. And when I talk to God, I still feel that you never left our family. And that you're watching over us grow and go on with our lives. Thank you for that. Those words can never be said enough to truly say how happy I was to have you raise me to become who I am. You never gave up on me when I was at my worst and always had a smile on your face. I have you to thank for that ability to see the good in others, even when things appear to be hopeless. May you continue to rest in piece with God and I'll talk to you both soon enough.

To all those that read this, thanks a lot. Thanks to the inspiration of danwhoeatscatfood, I will no longer hold back my feelings I've harbored to myself. It's good to get things out there when you feel you have to and no physical person around to talk to. So take care and until next time!

The trivial trials of a single guy

Me and this big guy aren't too different. He enjoys simple things and so do I.

Today, I think I'm going to try something different. Something to shake things up a bit. In the past, I've always been inclined to hold back my true thoughts about a specific topic, but after talking to my good friend at daneatscatfood.com, I feel it's the right time to not hold back anymore. The worst that can happen is someone I know finds my blog, comments about how insensitive I am(as one would say) and we all move on with our lives. And for once, I'm OK with that.

My topic for today I will be discussing is the topic of women in general. To men, we spend most of our lives doing just about everything we can to attract the opposite sex, whether it learn to juggle chainsaws or land that sweet executive job at a fortune 500 company. But why do we worry about things like this? Wouldn't it be fair to say that people should just "accept people for who they are?" Hahaha I made a funny in case you didn't understand sarcasm.

Let's start with a great example. My love life. It's nonexistent, and in some alternate reality(where I'm also Batman) I'm happier, have a wonderful and loving wife that is awesome, and I'm successful. Well, in this reality, I don't have any of that. I still am by myself, sort of content with how things are going, and trying to live day by day with some interest.

Readers, please don't mistaken this for a "condition of depression" because I've been through that phase in my early xanga phases. And yes, I go through and read my diluted scribbles of my past teen angst, but it's all irrelevant now. At the time, my priorities were laughable and I had waay less confidence that I do now, along with a nice objective hindsight into more important issues.

Now back to the tangent I was on before: Ever since God created me and put me on this Earth 25 years ago, I've done just what every person has done: adapt and survive. When I was younger( as far as my memory serves) I was a social butterfly. I talked to everyone and anyone I could, I had a limitless imagination and I felt that nothing could hold me back(besides probably an imaginary monster of some sort?) 

Fast forward 10+ years and some things have changed, but not always for the better. I went through the usual phases of "Hey look at me! I'm cool! I'm on a sports team and everyone should give me attention!" to "meh, I think I'll just do what makes me happy" later on in life. As a discretion, I don't hate the typical "jock" typecast. It just seems pushed in our culture that if one doesn't assume an alpha male position that you will never get anywhere in life, end up alone, and might as well die right there.

...Of course that's the worst case scenario. Nothing is ever set in stone in life, and that is the beauty in our lives. Moving on...

Where are you going with this Charle? Why should I keep reading this boring post about how unsuccessful with women you are? You're just like every other guy out there with some "ill conceived agenda to sweep women off their feet" *cue evil laugh here.

Back to my earlier statement that "socializing fear was irrelevant to me when I was younger" that power came to a screeching halt when it came to girls. Yes, puberty took a metal bat and hit me in the face and next thing I was thinking "Woah! Boobs are awesome!" similar to every other 15 year old guy my age.

Yes, girls were difficult to talk to me back then. And not much has changed. I've had a tendency to be over analytical in situations, but sometimes fate has played in my favor. And besides dodging this topic with more metaphors, I'll get to the point: I'm a frustrated single ethnic guy that wish there were some book or clear way of knowing how to decipher this intricate society that we call "women". If that were the case, life would be so much more SIMPLE!

But Charle, it's you're fault. You're socially inept because you don't try hard enough. You don't put yourself out there, connect with others and would rather engorge yourself in the lifestyle of an otaku hobbit. That is why all the men in the world are getting married or having children on the fly. You're the one that controls your own fate and you chose not to be proactive.

...Yes and no. First off, may I entertain you with the idea that it works both ways? Communication is a vital asset in our society, but things like Facebook and social media have watered it down quite far from where we all used to be. Nowadays, we have to "Facebook stalk" someone to know who they are, what they're about and other things.

It's convenient for me to pick up a phone or hop on the computer and look up someone. Yes, and that is much better than actually forming human connections with each other(*sarcasm to the max)

Well, it's a bunch of hoopla. I have learned, thus far in my debacles within the world of women, that there is always a double standard. As me and Daneatscatfood.com have talked about, going up to a random girl that you believe is attractive and complimenting them is a dying art. There is a common mindset that most women that are approached from strangers should be on the offensive and fear the worse, for they will be harmed and men are evil!

...*shakes head... uh it's stuff like this that makes it harder for guys like me to find "the right one." Or even continue the search to find the right one.

And brings me to another point. Don't you just love that proxy answer from happy couples that you know that tell you that on a couples infested venue or holiday? It would be easier to say " Hey having a girlfriend rocks and it's way better than video games!" See, that wasn't so hard.

It's direct and simple too. That's how I wish the world was. I like an attractive girl. I go up to her, tell her it's a crime that some guy hasn't asked you out yet or that you're not married, and  ask her to hang out sometime and done deal. Easy right? Ha, if only...

This post's inspiration originally stemmed from everyone around me being involved in a more "intimate relationship" with someone they know. I had a best friend from high school that usually swore off getting into relationships, but the instant he found an attractive girl he could make out with on command, he said adios amigo and here I am today. Not exactly deserted me, but I know things will not be back to how they were.

In all honesty, it sucks being alone. I could whine about it all day, but I'm really the only person that has control over it myself. I hit this rut not too long ago after my father passed away, always thinking that no one was around to talk to (with exception of God) and I had to face the world by myself. It is something I don't wish upon anyone and hope one can find a better remedy to get over it.

It all boils down to me wanting a girlfriend. Yes, I've been defeated by my 18 year old self(who was angry at the world and also desired a girlfriend) It would be awesome, the companionship would be great, and I am 25. I only have so much time left before my window shuts completely and I die alone.

But why is it such a big deal to me now? If you talked to me maybe 4 months ago, I was perfectly fine with being single. There are no attachments, I could game as hard as I wanted to, and I didn't have to impress anyone but myself. Then, there was another era of goals. As people around me became happier or more oriented with real goals in their life, this resonated to my own life and made me realize that I want that happiness too!

Ha, so much for being a black sheep and wandering off on my own. I want acceptance, security, love, and companionship just like every other human being on this Earth too! Hooray for realizing that(sarcasm)

I will never know if my life will pan out and I'll be able to overtake alternate universe Charle's life one day, with the beautiful and loving wife, awesome job, and legion of friends, but I will go for it. Life is what you make of it and instead of moping around complaining " I'm single and alone! And stuck in a glass case of emotion!" I should quit worrying so much and do something about it.

If given the opportunity, would I decline to having an attractive lady friend to hang out with at reasonable times? No, not at all. I think it would be awesome if that were to happen. Though, I've learned thus far in life that God likes to utilize the "pacing and long wait" strategy for my love life. Usually, the best things that happen to me are when I don't think too hard about it. And it feels so much more sweeter when that happens.

As agitated as I am taking this route in my life, I will go with it. God hasn't let me down before, though there have been questionable times, but in the long run, it's always paid off for me to wait and just keep being the good person I set out to be.

And that folks, is the end of my rant about being single. Maybe one day I'll revisit this topic, but hopefully this post was cohesive enough to understand or at least comprehend my frustrations of being a single guy with high morality and following the path of God.

Later!