Late Night Blogging! Yep, it's a regular thing!
I don't know what it is with me and late night blogging, but it's a regular thing for me. I seem to be able to convey my thoughts better when I'm on the verge of getting some sleep. Instead of extinguishing this possibly harmful behavior foreshadowing heavier insomnia, I'll go ahead and alleviate it with throwing my thoughts out on here.So here's what I'm going to hit base on for now on this post:
1. The passing of my father (RIP)
2. The beauty and pure terror of highways.
3. Objectively why I fail to talk to girls/women.
4. Coping with bigger transitions in my life.
Just to catch everyone(me) up to speed on everything, here's some highlights:
- I hate my current roommate. He's moving out in a week.
-My father passed away last year....
-I went on a road trip to Ohio and it was awesome.
-I've discovered a real evil bridge that is detrimental in my quest to not be alone anymore :P
-I have merely a year and a half left of school if I don't screw things up. My time is running out, both for this city, school, and me to move on to the next phase of my life.
Since the last time I wrote, some huge things have happened to me. They are me switching majors to multimedia journalism and my father passing away.
In my last post, I was struggling with my summer journalism class, but I'm happy to say I survived and moved on with everyone else. Now I just need to get through the rest of my hours I have left. It wasn't so bad. I just told myself I had to get it done, buckled down, and got to work on literally my homework. Passed with a C and haven't looked back. Now I'm acing field production like a boss and have to worry about keeping my grades up in my other classes(like Media law which kicked my ass this last round)
The most significant thing that happened to me last year was my father's passing. It still is hard to even fathom that he's not here anymore. Sometimes I have a wanting to call him up and ask him how he's doing, but then when it hits me again he's not here, there is something that just causing myself to sink within. Something that can't be patched up, fixed, or aired back up. Knowing that the man that helped raised you is with you one second and gone the next is devastating to comprehend. For everyone, not just me.
He went in the hospital for a minor surgery in late August. He had to stay in the hospital for a good 3-4 days and then he was out and about. In September, he went back in to the local hospital where I live and had a questionable trial of hits and misses. One day he was walking around and commenting how pretty the nurses were. The next he was barely able to look at anyone or remember who he was.
And how did I respond to it? Like a coward. To look at someone you have admired and looked up to all your life, helpless in a bed is defeating in spirit. I stayed with him up until his final moments and I still feel I let him down. I wasn't brave enough for him. I expressed all my regrets and begged for his forgiveness his last moments with us.
It's still a traumatizing event I look back on and can't even believe I had gone through it. My dad was smiling, laughing, and poking fun at me not even a full year ago. Now he's gone. He's with God now, and on days when I feel the absolute worst, I know he's with God watching over me, making sure the family and I are OK and pressing forward.
I say this a lot, but on cloudy, dark, and moody days, sometimes when I am feeling really down or just glancing at the sky, maybe it's just me but the sun seems to focus it's energy and power on me. And yes, I may be talking crazy, but I believe it's my Dad and God watching over me. To see me go through all these trials and still be standing.
That era is over now. He passed in October and after it happened, the weather was amplified by a tenfold. Every whisp of the wind seemed a lot colder than it actually was. Every step I took weighed more than anything that day. My body and mind had shut down, going into autopilot. I had to accept, but never agree upon, the idea that my father was no longer with me anymore. I used to have dreams where I'd wake up and my dad wouldn't be around, but now this nightmare was a reality.
I wish I was closer to my brother to confront him about his "true" feelings over this topic, but I don't intend on pushing him that far. He seemed to accept it for what it was and move on with life. My sweet and loving mom took it the hardest. The biggest thing for my brother and I is to keep her anchored and emphasize no matter what that family will always be there for you. You are never going to venture in this world on your own.
What was interesting was my dad's memorial. That day, I could be classified as a possible patient zero for a zombie outbreak. I was running a high fever of who knows what, my eyes were watering, I had a stuff nose, and I just didn't want to be there to infect others. That didn't stop my family from making me give my dad's eulogy though.
I don't believe I did a good job, but I did my best and stepped down. I would have hoped it did my Dad justice to express how I felt about him.
Just know that I will always miss you Dad and you will never leave me. You never gave up on me and I won't ever forget you.
After that, I went through school, had a rough patch,(because of media law) but survived nonetheless. The next big thing I did was take a trip to Ohio for my bro's graduation.
This event was significant because of two things. First, it marks the end of my brother's school career, which he put 20 years of his life into. Now he is going to work for the government and pay off his loans. Woot for him! The second thing it marks is me having an awesome time in Ohio and making me appreciate the life outside of Oklahoma. Bigger cities like Columbus are awesome!
I visited many places, ate so much exquisite food, and learned so much more about what I love doing. If I had more time in the world, I would do that for a good month.
It's already 4 and I got sidetracked. I'll continue the second part of this post later today. Later for now!
