So what am I rambling about this time? Last year, I made a life choice to switch majors from something I was entirely passionate about to something that was still in the same area, but wasn't all there. It was journalism. I could still be a graphic artist, but I would need to tame the mighty lion of grammar. It roared hard at me, threw me to the ground, and in the end, it finally bit my leg off.
....But then I patched myself up, made a robotic leg(because why not?) and got back in the fight. And here I am now. That lion still attacked again this summer. And boy, it got me good. It tore another chunk of my confidence and smiled in torment at me. It is the one thing standing between me and my ultimate goal of getting a media job out there.
Let's go back to when this started: Summer had began. I got a new job in my college town. Things were going great. Then, the sadness of summer school came along. It wasn't going to be any easier than before. I had to make the grade to move on. The one assignment that murdered me last semester murdered me again. I had completed the assignment, but he called in backup this time. This time, the lion of grammar called back my arch nemesis, time. It was time management that made me lose this battle. A battle I never had the chance to dawn my sword and shield for.
Walking in Circles....... There isn't a door that I want to open. Either I switch majors altogether or try to fight through and salvage my grade for what little left points I have. It is a huge disadvantage, but it can be accomplished.
The problem with me is that I absolutely hate time. 24 hours in a day isn't enough to do the following:
1. Enjoy Summer/my time away from work.
2. Focus on video projects
3. Play tons of video games
It is the summer class that takes all my energy away from me. And time management eats the scraps that the class leaves behind.
I am about to reach my threshold of defeat. It stings so much to fail at something you work hard for, only to be beaten down by the grasps of time. My teacher gave me the "usual" talk that I can't take my time when my boss expects me to meet my deadline. And I appreciate the realism, but it didn't help. It just added more to the wound.
Tomorrow I'm going to talk to my adviser about what I should do. Should I move on to something else? Or should I finish out this class giving it 110% (or so I say) and manage to salvage a B, rubbing it in her and my old TA's face that I can make it through.
The interlocking problem with this event is I don't know what will happen. I am one of those obsessive people that hates when they can't control their own destiny. I thank God for giving my many chances, but I feel that I'm pissing it away. I am not using what he has given me to help better myself and others. I don't know exactly what he would want, but I hypothesize that God would want me to be happy with whatever I chose to do in my life. How can I be happy if I can't get over being struck down viciously every time I fall?
Failure is something I take to heart very heavily. It drains a part of my spirit and my will to even move on in my life. It clouds my amibitious visions of ever being happy and successful one day, like those I look up to and idolize in my life.
This is my own monster I have to face. Failure. Failure brings upon the many curses and miseries that one endures on the road to success. I am not worshiping the idea of living the "perfect" life, but why is it so hard for me to succeed, when it's easy for others? Is it a game to see how long I can go before my will breaks?
It's times like these that make me reconsider my education. I've mentioned it many times, but this school was not my first choice. Hell, I didn't even want to continue college. I had my Associate's Degree and was ready to pay back my debt. I wanted to take on the world.
Sadly, this wasn't my path. I was destined for "other" things I guess. And it just ended up being that I have endured so many failures in my life that I don't know what it is to feel success anymore. Am I prideful? Yes. I know I am capable of achieving great things, but there is always something holding me back. Why?
Maybe that's where I should start if I want to get to the root of this problem. Why? Why am I holding myself back? I know for a fact that I can achieve greatness just as anybody else, but I'm not pushing myself hard enough. What is it? Am I just too lazy? Is my passion for my career just slowly decaying away, like a lost memory of my former youth? What is it that I have to get past in order to move on?
Ok, so if it is just my lack of motivation to complete projects(which is 1/2 of it), then maybe it's the consistent fire to keep going until the end. I have to figure out a way to consistently stay on task and finish the projects/tasks at hand until the bitter end.
The next thing is I have to have weight to my accountability. Something I have to get or create has to make me accountable for everything that I do to make progress.
The next thing is I have to remind myself who I'm doing this for. My parents, family, myself, God, and everyone that wants me to be successful. They are all counting on me to make the right choices and succeed. It doesn't really ease the tension any better, but it's nice to know that I have purpose.
The last thing is ultimately purpose. Why am I doing this? Is this even my passion? Is it worth going through all the hoops and hurdles again to do something I may have a 60 percent shot at? At this point, there's no more alternate routes. It's this way or the highway. I've about spent my time needed in school. I've been in school for 5 years. I need to wrap this up and make these past years not in vein.
So I've concluded the following to rebuild/move on from here:
1. Consistently keep the fire going
2. Weight my accountability
3. Remember who you're doing this for.
4. Ultimate purpose.
There are many examples out there of those that have rallied against hopeless odds. And they have done it battered, torn to shreds, even on the brink of death. But how did they do it? How did they have the confidence to know exactly what they were doing and not be afraid to fail miserably?
What made them charge back into the depths of hell and keep going? I want that! I want that fire that kept them going through the toughest times in their life and beyond. It is that fire that made them do the unthinkable and conquer all odds. I have never wanted anything more in my life than that fire to fight through all odds and still be able to stand up and say "hey, I did that. I didn't fail(succeed) at what I set out to do, but I gave it everything I could throw at it."
With time management as my enemy, there comes my past. Everything I've done up to this point has been determined by my own actions. There isn't a scapegoat I can blame all of my problems on for my failures. It was me. I was the one that chose to not get things done on time. I was the one that chose to spend more time on something that should have taken 15 minutes max. I paid the price for it. I didn't get the grade I deserved(a B at the least) and now I'm in the hole. Do I give up or do I fight even harder for the grade I deserve?
When I was a little kid, I was afraid of nothing. The worst thing I was worried about was what cereal to eat and what cartoon to watch Saturday morning. I saw every obstacle as something to enhance my life. Somewhere when I began to grow up, failure and success weighted in more on my life. Success meant everything and failure became more frequent. Yes, this humanized my faults, but it stung. Every fall I took was a chip away to my confidence. Knowing that I failed in my attempts was being tripped and kicked when I fell down. Getting back up was the toughest thing I ever had to face. And it never got any better.
I'm an adult now. And failure is part of my life all the time. I always wish I had a higher grade. Or studied harder. Or asked that pretty girl out that I liked. But I never did. I hesitated, waited, and never struck first. This is why I'm in my rut today. Because I was kicked down and I never had the chance to take a chance to breath, then get back up. When you're hit so suddenly with failure, you want to fight. You want to fight until your last dying breath, knowing you gave it your all, but it's happened before.
Now you want to ask yourself, will I repeat my same mistakes? If I never learn from them, what difference will it make? Things will just get worse right? They always get worse before they get better.
It's getting late. I've had 8-10 hours to reflect on the outcomes of today. As much as I would love to rewind the clock and finish my project, I can't. I have to get back up, one step at a time. Patch myself up, then tell myself I am going full force on this. And I will get that B that I deserve. Because I know I am capable of being an excellent journalism student. This class will reveal that talent.
