Excuse me, but you forgot this!

Hey Jordan, you forgot your ring man!

Things are going by pretty fast in my little time vortex. It was just yesterday I picked up my books, resented my brother's prolonged stay, and pondered again about where I was going to be 5 years from now. But alas, my thoughts have directed me to focus on the events happening at hand.

Something that I really has implanted itself within my mind lately is this one thought: Do those that have great talent in something ever consider or realize that there are others that are envious or even jealous of them? And do they think it's something that comes easily without any persistence or patience? Despite the belief that some people don't have natural talent, I believe the complete opposite. It really is tough to be an art major and have no coordination or sense of design and expect yourself to be successful. And for others, it can come completely naturally to them, enabling them to visually express themselves with little to no frustration.

This same concept can be applied to almost anyone that has a great talent. Or even a fictitious character such as the Green Lantern. The instant that he was chosen by the dying alien to become the Green Lantern, Hal Jordan was a top air force pilot. And that meant that he excelled at something before he became even more badass.

This takes me back to a conversation I had previously this week with my professor. He comes from New York, where design reigns supreme and if you weren't "in" with it, you'd be lost from the get go. I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to appeal to his expectations, when everyone else seems to be doing better than me. Yes, I could sit here and complain, but I feel my efforts to talk to him about my struggles were in vein. He even mentioned on my first project I had the worst craftsmanship he's ever seen. It was harsh of him to say that, but 2 things:
1. He at least recognized my work for something. Bad as it was, it was still the most extreme of one spectrum.
2. Although I haven't quite figured out what he enjoys yet in design, I do have to agree with him that complimentary comments won't help anyone grow as an artist/designer. There needs to be criticism of the "constructive" kind, but teachers at OSU forget that and go with the brutal/extremely anal approach.

Anyways, the talk I had with my professor was to figure out what I was doing wrong in class. I tried to tell him in simplest terms that I felt like a failure to myself and him. I wasn't performing well in class and I wanted to get better. To be perfectly honest, this was the first conversation in my life where I didn't get the feedback I desired from him.

The most sincere thing he ever said to me was that he felt I was a laid back person and a nice kid. That's it? Really? Nothing about my creativity or work? Does he not understand why I'm struggling/ not clicking well in his class? Does he not get why I'm not enjoying this class as much as I'm enjoying Type 1(which is supposed to be the most brutal out of the 3)? Do things not click for him well enough to understand that I am freaking struggling in his class because he is failing to recognize my inability as a designer to get past my own limitations?

He didn't give me any encouraging words of hope. He didn't know what or how to tell me that things would be ok and I had to keep trying. He just simply kept reinforcing the fact that I had to work on expressing my ideas more vividly and speak up more. And to a point, I understood that. The conversation wasn't what I really wanted it to be. I was really expecting him to give me some words of hope, anything alluding to his past struggles as a designer in school, trying to figure out how to perfect his craft. This didn't happen. Some people are just so conceited enough not even to remember the fact that there had to be a point in their lives where they struggled. And this is where I begin my questioning...

How is it that he never alluded to his own past career as a design major? Surely I'm not the only one thinking at one point in time that maybe graphic design wasn't my hobby(and yes, he gave the cliche' talk about "maybe graphic design isn't for everyone and some people excel at different fields than design". I have had the talk about 5 times since I've got to OSU that I've become so callace to it and becoming immune to the elimination of the washouts from the program.)

So I'm thinking(not assuming) from my talk I had with him he's always been an extremely estute, creative, and flawless designer. He's never had a doubt in his mind that he was a failure and has always gone forward with his own plans. Is it wise to call his personally overly conceited or overwhelmingly confident that he can't recognize when one of his design students isn't "getting with the program" and is extremely frightened he won't get into the design program this upcoming April. I guess that's something of the past for him to worry about.

You know the worst thing ever about being a designer? Vulnerability. You're going to be shot down 95/100 times on every project idea you present to your boss/teacher/etc. and it's because they don't like what direction you're going with your idea. Or they don't understand it. Or it's just one element of your idea they don't like about it. Is this what it's really going to be like when I get into the design world? Will working for a major video game developer suck as bad as taking orders/assignments from design teachers that love you so much when you do something well, but destroy your spirit and incinerate your own inner ambitions of ever becoming a designer that you want to give up? Or will it be the opposite? I truly hope so for future generations of designers that the design field is still competitive, but more compassionate. I understand that it's the professor's job to train them to be the best, but would it hurt to throw in a little bit of humanity within their soul? I honestly can say that if I were a teacher, I would imperatively stress how important these classes are, but not to the point where I would break a kid's own spirit and question their inabilities as a designer.

I can say this. I do enjoy my design classes. They give my life meaning now, and are extremely challenging. I'm struggling to keep my grades up in the classes because I don't know what I can do to appeal to my teachers. And if I don't survive in one class, it's the other that's on my ass about my other project. My other design professor said it was stupid I am taking all 3 classes, but I don't have anything to lose at this point. I have no job, I'm  a full time student and I should be dedicating all of my effort to my own projects. To an extent, I have improved from last semester, but that doesn't cut it. I have to go beyond my own limitations and expectations to do well in this class. I went from being praised and complimented for my own potential to brutally cut down verbally for my poor craftsmanship. In the blink of an eye my self esteem plummeted, but I guess I have to develop a thick skin to criticism and take it. These teachers are hard asses and they won't seem to lighten up. I have to get used to it or get off the train at that point.

April is judgment day(for all designers at OSU) It is the day where you gather and organize all of the work you have created within 3 months(January-April ) and lay it before the review board. They decide your fate and whether or not the 50,000 dollars that you're pumping into the school for a new stadium will pay off. Or they reject you, and have to spend another year retaking all of the classes recreating new material for your portfolio.

This is how things are at OSU. You get one and only one chance per year to make it through review. To appeal to the senses of design, communication, ideas conveyed, and craftsmanship of the review board to let you in. And every design major puts their cards on the line to be presented like a dog at a fellow grooming show, hoping that the judges applaud your work and let you in. Or you are booed and destroyed with your fractured spirit, like what Simon did on American Idol. To work so hard for something just to see your dreams shattered within a blink of an eye. And from there you either pick up the pieces, rebuild, and fight on until the next review. Or you never recover, devestated by your rejection, you give up, and either:
a. Become a failure at completing a degree you already have at an Associate's level but no bachelor's
b. Try to find a new major, giving up all the 5 years of school you invested into an art program that was your true calling to begin with but was shot down due to inability to please 5 people on a review committee that don't care that you're going to be paying your way out of debt until you're 45 to pay off school but instead want you to throw more money into other programs instead, and feel stupid that you couldn't get into a program you already paid money for........


This was mainly for my own venting, but to make this in terms for everyone to understand: Sometimes one's own expectations aren't attainable. Girls expect to find their dream guy with a 6 pack, strength of an ox, be an amazing lover, and completely obedient to them alone. And guys aren't any better. We still search for the imaginary and unattainable lover that has the body of a super model, a wild animal as a lover, super intelligent, and doesn't talk much. It's because of this array of people that makes life much more difficult who have been struggling to begin with to find confidence within themselves. And as frustrating as this is, we can either choose to surrender, give up on our own hopes and dreams for the future. Or we can choose to be resilient, stand up to the challenge before us and with our own persistence will lead us to endure. With this endurance as Saosin once sang" you will live to tell" your story and what you had to overcome. When everyone and everything in this world is against you, 2 things are what will keep you going. The first is God(disregard if you're of another affiliation of religion) and he's always got your back no matter what happens to you. He's there to talk to you when you're going through your roughest day, week, year, or just your entire life. And the second is yourself. You have to be the other force in your life(besides a spiritual entity that you believe in if you do) that has to tell yourself this: When no one else believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. You are the deciding and exponential factor that has the ability to change your own destiny at every ticking second that goes by to make a better life for yourself. To give up would be great cowardice, and you would have no one to blame but yourself for taking this path. If you are to fight a battle that is difficult, you might as well give it everything you can summon within yourself.

And that, my friends, is something worth fighting for.

Good night everyone.