Road to Redemption

So here I am again. At midnight, blabbing on about how I should have fixed my problems in the past before they came back up to bite me in the present setting of summer. But that's the thing with life, it's unpredictable. One day, you could feel like a million bucks and everything is going your way. The next day may be the worst day ever. And so begins my own "Road To Redemption"

The next couple of posts(1-3) will document the different phases I have gone through that involved me throughout school. I will further investigate what I did exactly wrong, how I dealt with my biggest failures, and what I'm doing now to move past it, fight back, and take the offensive and not fall into the same trap as I did before.

I'll touch base on the first part of this series, then I'll continue into a full post later. The first part is simple: Failure.

Failure has followed me for quite some time now, from my early days of high school, as an emerging and misunderstood artist, to the present of my career at OSU. Everything was riding on the line for me to get into that design program. The hours, money, people I talked to, resources, preparation, all of it was sloppily organized which led to my ultimate downfall. But in my own defense, I never saw it coming at all. Who would have known that despite me being jobless during school, 3 hardcore design classes would kick my ass back to yesterday. And no one warned me of the strict protocol that the teachers abided by when it came to review. I had to learn things the hard way.

So if it isn't obvious now, the Portfolio came and went. I survived judgment day, but I didn't defeat it. I didn't make the cut. My advisor(who is on the borderline of completely useless) told me that I was ranked the lowest, I should move on to something else, and that it would be an uphill battle to redeem myself if I were to try it again. Top that your situation sucks cake with that I have to wait an entire year and maybe have a 50% chance of getting back into the first design classes again. So I might not even get in to be able to try again.


Failure had struck me so suddenly, I didn't know how to react. At first, I was angered. I paid money(from the gov) into this program and I'm not in the program within the school? It doesn't make any sense!?! But from a different and calm perspective, they take the best, not the worst. They're too uber 1337 to pick just anyone...

And that's just the beginning. I have a long road ahead of me, but this summer has been worth it so far. We'll see how the trilogy develops for me. One day at a time.

Excuse me, but you forgot this!

Hey Jordan, you forgot your ring man!

Things are going by pretty fast in my little time vortex. It was just yesterday I picked up my books, resented my brother's prolonged stay, and pondered again about where I was going to be 5 years from now. But alas, my thoughts have directed me to focus on the events happening at hand.

Something that I really has implanted itself within my mind lately is this one thought: Do those that have great talent in something ever consider or realize that there are others that are envious or even jealous of them? And do they think it's something that comes easily without any persistence or patience? Despite the belief that some people don't have natural talent, I believe the complete opposite. It really is tough to be an art major and have no coordination or sense of design and expect yourself to be successful. And for others, it can come completely naturally to them, enabling them to visually express themselves with little to no frustration.

This same concept can be applied to almost anyone that has a great talent. Or even a fictitious character such as the Green Lantern. The instant that he was chosen by the dying alien to become the Green Lantern, Hal Jordan was a top air force pilot. And that meant that he excelled at something before he became even more badass.

This takes me back to a conversation I had previously this week with my professor. He comes from New York, where design reigns supreme and if you weren't "in" with it, you'd be lost from the get go. I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to appeal to his expectations, when everyone else seems to be doing better than me. Yes, I could sit here and complain, but I feel my efforts to talk to him about my struggles were in vein. He even mentioned on my first project I had the worst craftsmanship he's ever seen. It was harsh of him to say that, but 2 things:
1. He at least recognized my work for something. Bad as it was, it was still the most extreme of one spectrum.
2. Although I haven't quite figured out what he enjoys yet in design, I do have to agree with him that complimentary comments won't help anyone grow as an artist/designer. There needs to be criticism of the "constructive" kind, but teachers at OSU forget that and go with the brutal/extremely anal approach.

Anyways, the talk I had with my professor was to figure out what I was doing wrong in class. I tried to tell him in simplest terms that I felt like a failure to myself and him. I wasn't performing well in class and I wanted to get better. To be perfectly honest, this was the first conversation in my life where I didn't get the feedback I desired from him.

The most sincere thing he ever said to me was that he felt I was a laid back person and a nice kid. That's it? Really? Nothing about my creativity or work? Does he not understand why I'm struggling/ not clicking well in his class? Does he not get why I'm not enjoying this class as much as I'm enjoying Type 1(which is supposed to be the most brutal out of the 3)? Do things not click for him well enough to understand that I am freaking struggling in his class because he is failing to recognize my inability as a designer to get past my own limitations?

He didn't give me any encouraging words of hope. He didn't know what or how to tell me that things would be ok and I had to keep trying. He just simply kept reinforcing the fact that I had to work on expressing my ideas more vividly and speak up more. And to a point, I understood that. The conversation wasn't what I really wanted it to be. I was really expecting him to give me some words of hope, anything alluding to his past struggles as a designer in school, trying to figure out how to perfect his craft. This didn't happen. Some people are just so conceited enough not even to remember the fact that there had to be a point in their lives where they struggled. And this is where I begin my questioning...

How is it that he never alluded to his own past career as a design major? Surely I'm not the only one thinking at one point in time that maybe graphic design wasn't my hobby(and yes, he gave the cliche' talk about "maybe graphic design isn't for everyone and some people excel at different fields than design". I have had the talk about 5 times since I've got to OSU that I've become so callace to it and becoming immune to the elimination of the washouts from the program.)

So I'm thinking(not assuming) from my talk I had with him he's always been an extremely estute, creative, and flawless designer. He's never had a doubt in his mind that he was a failure and has always gone forward with his own plans. Is it wise to call his personally overly conceited or overwhelmingly confident that he can't recognize when one of his design students isn't "getting with the program" and is extremely frightened he won't get into the design program this upcoming April. I guess that's something of the past for him to worry about.

You know the worst thing ever about being a designer? Vulnerability. You're going to be shot down 95/100 times on every project idea you present to your boss/teacher/etc. and it's because they don't like what direction you're going with your idea. Or they don't understand it. Or it's just one element of your idea they don't like about it. Is this what it's really going to be like when I get into the design world? Will working for a major video game developer suck as bad as taking orders/assignments from design teachers that love you so much when you do something well, but destroy your spirit and incinerate your own inner ambitions of ever becoming a designer that you want to give up? Or will it be the opposite? I truly hope so for future generations of designers that the design field is still competitive, but more compassionate. I understand that it's the professor's job to train them to be the best, but would it hurt to throw in a little bit of humanity within their soul? I honestly can say that if I were a teacher, I would imperatively stress how important these classes are, but not to the point where I would break a kid's own spirit and question their inabilities as a designer.

I can say this. I do enjoy my design classes. They give my life meaning now, and are extremely challenging. I'm struggling to keep my grades up in the classes because I don't know what I can do to appeal to my teachers. And if I don't survive in one class, it's the other that's on my ass about my other project. My other design professor said it was stupid I am taking all 3 classes, but I don't have anything to lose at this point. I have no job, I'm  a full time student and I should be dedicating all of my effort to my own projects. To an extent, I have improved from last semester, but that doesn't cut it. I have to go beyond my own limitations and expectations to do well in this class. I went from being praised and complimented for my own potential to brutally cut down verbally for my poor craftsmanship. In the blink of an eye my self esteem plummeted, but I guess I have to develop a thick skin to criticism and take it. These teachers are hard asses and they won't seem to lighten up. I have to get used to it or get off the train at that point.

April is judgment day(for all designers at OSU) It is the day where you gather and organize all of the work you have created within 3 months(January-April ) and lay it before the review board. They decide your fate and whether or not the 50,000 dollars that you're pumping into the school for a new stadium will pay off. Or they reject you, and have to spend another year retaking all of the classes recreating new material for your portfolio.

This is how things are at OSU. You get one and only one chance per year to make it through review. To appeal to the senses of design, communication, ideas conveyed, and craftsmanship of the review board to let you in. And every design major puts their cards on the line to be presented like a dog at a fellow grooming show, hoping that the judges applaud your work and let you in. Or you are booed and destroyed with your fractured spirit, like what Simon did on American Idol. To work so hard for something just to see your dreams shattered within a blink of an eye. And from there you either pick up the pieces, rebuild, and fight on until the next review. Or you never recover, devestated by your rejection, you give up, and either:
a. Become a failure at completing a degree you already have at an Associate's level but no bachelor's
b. Try to find a new major, giving up all the 5 years of school you invested into an art program that was your true calling to begin with but was shot down due to inability to please 5 people on a review committee that don't care that you're going to be paying your way out of debt until you're 45 to pay off school but instead want you to throw more money into other programs instead, and feel stupid that you couldn't get into a program you already paid money for........


This was mainly for my own venting, but to make this in terms for everyone to understand: Sometimes one's own expectations aren't attainable. Girls expect to find their dream guy with a 6 pack, strength of an ox, be an amazing lover, and completely obedient to them alone. And guys aren't any better. We still search for the imaginary and unattainable lover that has the body of a super model, a wild animal as a lover, super intelligent, and doesn't talk much. It's because of this array of people that makes life much more difficult who have been struggling to begin with to find confidence within themselves. And as frustrating as this is, we can either choose to surrender, give up on our own hopes and dreams for the future. Or we can choose to be resilient, stand up to the challenge before us and with our own persistence will lead us to endure. With this endurance as Saosin once sang" you will live to tell" your story and what you had to overcome. When everyone and everything in this world is against you, 2 things are what will keep you going. The first is God(disregard if you're of another affiliation of religion) and he's always got your back no matter what happens to you. He's there to talk to you when you're going through your roughest day, week, year, or just your entire life. And the second is yourself. You have to be the other force in your life(besides a spiritual entity that you believe in if you do) that has to tell yourself this: When no one else believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. You are the deciding and exponential factor that has the ability to change your own destiny at every ticking second that goes by to make a better life for yourself. To give up would be great cowardice, and you would have no one to blame but yourself for taking this path. If you are to fight a battle that is difficult, you might as well give it everything you can summon within yourself.

And that, my friends, is something worth fighting for.

Good night everyone.

Chapter 11: Tabula Rasa

Hmm... Something tells me I've been here before.
Things change. And so do people. Whether or not you choose to accept it is up to you. In my own case, I choose to fight it.
One thing I've started to question is this: Where did my weekends ever go? They used to be the best times I've ever had in the world to just chill and not worry about everything. But they're a mere remnant of the past. I had 3 whole days to do anything I could squeeze in 72 hours. I had the ultimate list of things to do on a Saturday. But look where I am today. It's a Saturday night. Almost 11. And I'll fall asleep in 2 hours, waking up to a Sunday with a day to try to get things accomplished. It all seems like a pipe dream now. I was a weekend warrior. I was up for anything and everything(as long as it was legal). Now my weekends aren't even worth it anymore. I might as well be in school 7 days a week. I don't talk to hardly anyone, but at least I have something to do.

There was a time when the weekends were filled with so much opportunity. I'd either chill on my own, pop in a movie, pick up a pizza, and play video games until all I was dreaming about was saving the universe. And I was happy. I didn't need to interact with other people, but when it happened, I allowed it to happen. I was content with making my weekends simple.

Other times, I'd meet up with a friend, we'd shoot the breeze at the local coffee shop, maybe chat up some random people(maybe the ladies) and from there, we'd grab food and just completely chill. Things at that time just rocked beyond anything.

Those days are now erased. Where are they now? I don't even know. They are in an inescapable wonderland , where you don't have to worry about tomorrow, you live in the moment. And with that, you could care less that Monday morning you're going to be staring at other people in a room you could care less about. Or back to a job that you extremely hate, but it puts food on the table. The weekend was based on carpe noctem. The entire element of this is now gone from my vocabulary. So much for doing that anymore...

I might as will surrender my social life and purely dedicate myself to doing school work. Just like everyone else in this boring world. Yah(sarcasm)

I believe that's what I'm really destined for. Going through this world solo. Just me, my family, and God are those that I can rely on. I won't have to be let down every time I invest 2 years into a potential friendship watching it collapse from the inside. It will save me the trouble of being counter productive.

This new year. New semester. New everything. It is my one chance again to take advantage of what I have thrown at me and make the best of it. Sure, I may have to sacrifice having an ever-standing best friend, but sacrifices must be made to ensure my own success.

I do apologize for my dreary attitude on things. They aren't going as I wanted them to go. If I had my own way, I would literally not be in this ba-humbug mood as I type. I would channel that energy into other hobbies that I have.

And for Landon. It probably doesn't matter, but this is for you man. We had a good run. 2 years of a developed friendship probably didn't mean much to you, but it did for me. You're moving on, and I am struggling. We'll still be friends, but I've already foreshadowed this to happen. We're both destined for other things in our lives. You feel it's necessary to get out of this entire region to feel important. That it's something you have to do. And as much as I hate that, and I don't agree with it, I'll respect it.

That's really it. I am losing a friend that I've invested 2 years in building a friendship with. I've grown as a person, spiritually and mentally, but I have to learn to adapt and endure. This will, too, in time pass and I'll eventually move on. He's physically moving on to some other place. We may meet up again in a year. 2 years. Or never again, but I will be thankful to have 2 years of some awesome pwnage around the town of Stillwater with him, despite never being able to land a double date. haha.

So begins a new chapter. A quest to find a new best bro. Do you have what it takes? Probably not, but go ahead and try anyways. I'm always open to meeting new people, regardless of background. As long as you don't do something creepy like sell used body parts in the dark alleys of a big city, then we're solid.
I'll find a new best friend some day. Some month. Or some year. And when that happens, it will be legen-dary(as NPH would say)

Good night world.

A dream I once had...........................

A few nights back, I had one of the strangest dreams ever. And within this dream, was me dreaming again. You could say that "Inception" had a lot of influence with this dream. I can't remember all the exact details(I'm getting better) but I'll retell as much as I can recall.

The dream started off with me in a classroom.(most of my dreams have me involved with school whether I like it or not). I fall asleep in class, because it's too boring and I go into another dream. Within the new dream, I am cast back to band. This is strange because I quit band when I was nearing the end of my sophomore year. I take notice to ask someone around me what year it is, and they say it's 2007. What wasn't consistent with this plotline is I appeared a lot younger than I was. In 2007, I was 18. When I was still in band, I was only 16. At this time, I was only 16. I asked what we were doing, and a classmate of mine said we were warming up.

We were preparing for a concert. I had no unearthly idea what this was for, but I decided to improvise. I played through with the warm-ups, then we proceeded on stage to perform. The concert went well, I hurried up and packed my things, then went home.

Another odd thing was, I still couldn't drive. I had my parents pick me up and take me back home. From there, I got a phone call from a good friend of mine(whom I rarely speak to now) claiming he wanted to play some online video games with me. I, of course, said yes, and did this. I went to my room and to my surprise only saw an Xbox. At this point, I was severely confused because my Xbox had died in 2005, but yet I still had this one. We were playing Halo 2, but Halo 3 had already came out. 

Ok so, we were playing Halo 2 and I was doing awful. Jacob had asked me if I had even played before and have been practicing. I asked him, why would I practice? I play this game for fun. His answer was we were on the same MLG team and we had a tournament in a couple of days. This was a surprise to my own because I was never good enough to reach those ranks of good MLG players...


We played a couple of games, then we both decided to go our own ways after that. I arrived back at school, and while I was walking up the stairs(in this dream, I had a different school altogether)  I tripped on a huge brick, and hit my head. This incident triggered me to wake up in class as the teacher slammed my book on my desk. He wanted to ask me what the capital of Virginia was and I had no answer. The bell rang(weird that colleges would have bells?) and then I took off. I hopped into my truck, and suddenly I was on the highway, but every time I kept driving in the right direction, I ended up driving backwards. A cop pulled me over and threatened to throw me in jail for wreckless driving. I told him I had no control over my car, but he didn't believe me. He gave me a warning(the nicest cop I ever met in my dreams haha) and let me go.


That's where my dream ended. Because I woke up in real life.
Gotta stop eating cocoa puffs before bed!