If you really take time to think about it, the planet is huge, but the universe is even greater. You're just one spec on a blue marble in a giant body of bigger marbles. And beyond that, your existence probably isn't as significant as you think it is. So the best thing one can do is to make the best of his or her life on this blue marble.
As cliche' as this sounds, life is full of challenges. Even the occasional battle or two. But that is what gives life meaning. If we had no conflict, it'd be pointless in pushing on every day until we grew old and eventually passed on.
During this break of the Christmas holiday, I began to reflect on many of my own conquests. Some were good. I had built up a momentum of self-confidence and striving work ethic at the beginning of the last semester that I hoped to carry on to this semester. New housing area, new people, new beginning. Things were looking great. Even got to reconnect with some former classmates of mine.
Things weren't always smooth sailing. I had to pay for my over-confident attitude with less than acceptable grades. And I managed to survive, instead of exceed my own expectations. It seemed that everyone was on the bandwagon to throw disappointment and criticism my way. I get it. I goofed bad. And it almost cost me my college career. After the 5th or 6th speech, it begins to sound all the same to me.They would say the same things. You have one life to live. You can't screw this up. I never had this educational opportunity when I was your age. Of course some even had to throw in the low blow and use reverse psychology on me. Examining a different kid with the same status as me and comparing and trying to figure out why I did poorer than them when they have a job.
Pep talks are only effective if there is meaning behind them. It's counterproductive to regurgitate the same words that everyone else is saying instead of straight up saying it was disappointing how I did this semester, and all I can do is try even harder and give it my best next semester. It doesn't have to be dragged out into a speech of determination, commitment and willpower. It can be said simply put as "do your best, try harder, and you have our support no matter what." There, that wasn't so hard was it?
If we were to examine my own career as an artist now, I would be considered a failure. I have fought a hardened and prolonged battle to survive in the art world as someone capable and potentially able to improve and express himself artistically. Everything I create is complete trash. The first idea I have is always better than the later imitations of it. Reality is boring to me. That is why I fail at recreating it. When I'm able to have the creative freedom to flex my own imagination, this is where I begin to prosper. And this is what keeps me going. Because no matter how many times I may fail at my own drawings, I tell myself this: I have made it this far in my life when no one else ever expected me to get there. And as an act of resentment, I plan to keep on going. So much for their big plans. Ha!
Deception also plays a big role in our lives. Nothing is ever as it seems. So many times have I wished and prayed that things go in my favor, but it never turned out that way. Sometimes it's just dumb pure luck that things have worked in my favor. I wasn't supposed to pass on to graphic design classes, but I survived through it. I made it through and now I'm in. I was granted a second chance to get in this program, train even harder as an artist, and get that piece of paper that says I'm good enough to work at any AAA design company on the face of the planet. That's what I set out to do, and I'm finishing this fight.
But back to deception, our perceptions on life are always construed. What we may believe will always be different than what we expect. From there we can choose to accept it or choose to change what happens for our own good. Two examples will explain this.
Example 1: How is it that one of the least likely person to be my best friend on the face to planet happens to end up in that role? We virtually have nothing in common, our personalities are completely different, ideologies split at a certain point, and we have different interests, yet we are able to coexist without wanting to kill each other. It's like a lion nursing a baby gazelle as it's mother, not intending to eat it after it fattens up, but raising it as one of it's own children. It seems so out of place but it has happened.
Logically, it shouldn't even be able to happen. Two people with different interests and ideologies shouldn't be able to be around each other. Let alone be best friends. It happened. And it still works. How it has survived this long is beyond my own comprehension alone.
Honestly, there is an unbalance in play. If anything, it is I who am envious of my friend. He's a lady's man, a skilled musician, and isn't afraid to speak his mind. And I aspire to someday retain those traits translated in my own perspective. But for now, that isn't me. It is a work in progress that eventually hopes to get to that point someday.
Another example of this my own perspective on girls. For the longest time, I had thought it was me that wasn't good enough for them. As I grew older, I began to amend this logical way of thinking into a more rational sense. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for them, it was that they can be erratically moronic and inconclusive.
Guys aren't any better at expressing our feelings, but we know when it's time to man up and speak the truth. There is reasoning why girls can be cockteases and how it can all end up in post-emotional traumatic awkward time spans in your life without you realizing why you were mad in the first place about it.
As relentlessly good as I have been, I've been quite unsuccessful with girls. They don't find my own charming personality attractive at all, and it is quite degrading to realize they go for the horn dogs or complete douche bags that have no respect for women in general. And as much as I get kicked in the back for that, it won't change who I am. I may have to wait another 10 years or even end up dying alone, but in the end, I'll know that I can be happy knowing that it isn't I that was controlled by this issue. It was I that was controlling my own destiny.
Another thing I'd like to hit on is those that have 2nd guessed me suck. Yes, I don't possess any extraordinary talent nor gift that is unfathomable to the average human, but I do believe in potential. That is why when I meet anyone new, I give them one honest and good chance before I completely write them off as an imbecile and incompetent. Many times I've been picked last for teams in a sport. Picked last in a group project. Underestimated to pull through for a group of people that depended on me. Or even second guessed to show up to an event.
And to those that have 2nd guessed me, you all suck. I never got that shot that I needed to reach my potential. Instead, I was passed over like a neglected puppy at the pound, waiting for an owner. You never thought I could skillfully edit that composition in After Effects to finish the project in time. Or ever expect me to complete my assignment with uniqueness and personality to stand apart from the other typical assignments. Or shoot me down instantly when all I requested was to hang out sometime, not something hostile. No, it never happened like that and it's very lame. You're part of the reason why my self-esteem was at an all time low continuing through college, trying to calmly collect myself to carry on through the semester. And you gave me ever more reason to spit in your face as resentment when I at least survived my own adversity.
There is reasoning in my own self-redemption. I have made many mistakes in the past, but I've learned more than anything from them. In order to move forward, I have to take a step backward. I do this often because it is a stone-cold reality check.This is necessary in order to sort out the commotion that came along at the beginning. From there, I can begin to regroup, revise, and reevaluate my own situation.
And there's reasoning for my own actions and beliefs. I no longer have to prove to anyone why I believe the way I do. Or the reasons why I am doing my own things. If I give one answer for each one, that should be good enough. Or if I'm obliged to go through a thorough discussion about the matter, I can at least proudly say this is the true reasoning and I stand by it, instead of whimpering on the side and realizing I said something stupid.
This post was extremely lengthy(that's what she said!) but worth writing. To those who read this, thank you.
