Back to Square 1...

Hey everyone. I'm back again babbling about something less important to the world. Well, since I have reverted back to my isolated state, I have it in my best interest to vent off to the internet about my own incites. It's very therapeutic for me to get things out of mind, on the chance I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

I am at a point in my life where I'm slightly thinking on a completely different plane than others. Sure, I will agree with you on your perspective, but I may ponder later why I believe your opinion was different than mine and why I believe a different way. I've had these sudden outbursts lately to just be completely opposed to what others believe in. Even from those that I highly respect and look up to.

So that puts me back at square 1. I'm at that point again where my actions haven't helped or prevented me from improvement. I could sit back and do nothing, just focusing on my own life, surviving, and finishing school. Or I could care more, establish and strengthen friendships, and continue to be conflicted in wanting to let my mind wander off or accept things as they are.

To clarify things, I don't in any way hate the people I hang out with. They are all unique snowflakes, and they offer something special to my inner circle, whether it be inspiration, anarchy, courage, etc. I welcome a diverse batch of friends because I happen to be diverse myself. The thing with me is sometimes it's hard to form your own opinion when you're so used to accepting someone else's opinion on a subject when they appear more intelligent and inciteful than you.

I believe humans, in nature, were meant to question everything. We question things to try to find answers to problems or develop ideas to expand into greater things. It's how God designed us to be and I'm not ashamed of this, but I can't help but wonder if it's bad to think so differently in a sense that it isn't accepted by everyone else? I've been having those times where I want to say I agree strongly with others on one particular topic, but the minute I try to talk about my own views, it's easier to shut me up or not let me speak up at all for what I believe in.

Here's two questions to consider: Why is it we care so much about others' criticism of ourselves? And why don't we take more risks in our lives? What boundaries are holding one back from accomplishing anything they want to do in this life? Or even in the great beyond?


Here's a quote from the show Community that spoke so much conviction to me I wasn't even expecting it:
" Because when you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for people is not such a big deal" -Abed from Community

The thing that got me rattling my bones is something my friend said to me the other day. He was telling me from those he knew of and those we hung out with, I was never social, I never spoke for myself, and I copied him all the time. I was 1 dimensional and it was tiring. And that I wasn't reliable at all....

I took this criticism to heart, but it stung a little bit. Knowing that the things I did weren't always viewed in a positive light made me realize something extremely important. It is imperative I did things different enough that I could still establish myself as an individual. It was good I did this, but I may have taken an extreme approach to it. Sure, I'm still trying to exercise and reorganize my actions to adjust better to social settings, but it's difficult. I've always been used to being that kid was awkwardly shy, bubbling with ideas underneath the surface, but fearing the scrutiny that I will be examined as a complete idiot.

So why do we care so much about criticism from others? I blame it on insecurity. If one person tells you that you're too cocky, inappropriate, smell bad, and just act weird, then it would be safe to presume that immediately one would tone down their attitude and adjust to others to become "accepted". But is this really want we want in our lives? To be another "accepted" person? Why is it so wrong to be different? Not everyone is going to have extraordinary conversation skills. Or athletic skills. Or computation and mathematical abilities mentally. The main concept here is to take what God has granted us with and make the best of it, or constantly striving to improve something to compensate for our own weaknesses.

Why don't we take more risks? I'm not talking about riskier activities such as sky diving, mountain climbing, flying an airplane, scuba diving, or fire breathing lessons.  I'm focusing more on the aspect of taking that lunge, being honest, and not holding back. How different would our lives be if we feared nothing?

If I was never afraid of failure, an entire spectrum of confidence would be imbued upon me. I wouldn't have to hold myself back from talking to anyone, or do anything. I could literally do anything I truly set forth to do.

One example is girls. If I wasn't afraid of rejection or criticism, I could talk to any girl that ever walked past me. And not only would it be awesome, but my confidence would skyrocket. I would no longer dwell upon the envy of my successful friends, but I would gain my own envy, for my success would revolve around my boldness and confidence. If had the ability to speak my own mind on who I ran into, girl or guy, I often wonder if they'd view me in an entirely different light, or view me negatively as someone that has more conflicting insecurities than anyone they've ever encountered.

On a different note, I've also reached that threshold where I have to be on my own again. Not only is it beneficial for me to mediate and reflect upon my own, but I sort of lost a part of my own personality hanging around the same people every time. I have the highest respect for those that respect and care about me, but the things that determine my "differences" characterize who I am. There is valid reasoning(somewhere) behind my own actions and the path I'm taking now. I want to get a design job because it's my own calling. I'm shy because I fear what others say about me. I get nervous around girls because they demand a lot out of the opposite sex. I intend on leading my life based on that. It's good to separate yourself from others to understand and grasp that natural perspective of who you were to begin with and determine whether or not you wanted to change in the first place.

Another example: One friend of mine claims I'm completely unreliable and not confident at all. I have been gradually fighting to improve, but it's a very stale process. I took his words to heart, not in hatred, but into consideration. And not only did it shed light on how he perceived me, but it also spun things around him and made me realize certain things. It made me understand that our differences were what bonded us. I was different in one aspect, and he was different in another. His words of characterizing who I was not only left me slightly bitter, but they made me stir up a formulated reasoning behind why I was this way. And if I told him, I risk him shooting me down. I realize now it isn't a big deal, because he's a big dreamer too, but not always plausible in his own inner ambitions.

My story is far from over. I have a good 20 years left in my life before I can validate whether or not I'm happy. At that point, I'll let you know. For now, I'll continue going through the twists and turns of my life. And through every hurdle I hop through, I'll have to take that knowing that things were never designed to be easy to begin with. It's when we've finally accomplished something that we can look back and laugh at something unattainable was attainable in disguise.

Thanks to all that read this ridiculously long post.