I don't know why I'm still awake. I should be asleep. People that are normal are sleeping at this very moment. Yet I am one of the few that defies this. Or the only one. Who even knows at this point. Or maybe even cares.
My life is spinning right now. Everything I've done, will do, and have done is flying past me at this very second. There's nothing I can do to control it, but I have to try to fight. It's so hard at this point in my life to do something effective because I always wonder whether or not it will make a difference.
For example, I'm going to examine my failures of this week.
-My drawing teacher implied I'm not going to make it into drawing 2.
-The girl I really like has put me in the friend zone. Or even better, I did that to myself.
-I am never focused on my homework. Even when I think I am, I get sidetracked.
-I almost want to give up on school.
-I don't believe I'm going to survive my art history or math classes. I need to work harder, but it's sometimes difficult to pay attention when art history is boring....
And there you have it. My complaints for this week. I wish things were better for me. The only person that can change that for me is myself. I can't let or make anyone choose what I do from this point on.
My life has been consumed with girls at this point. And that wasn't my original intention. I was going to dedicate more time than ever to my studies. Make the grades, meet more people, then have some fun along the way. What the hell happened???
What happened is the exact opposite. I met a good amount of people, played too many video games, and haven't had efficient sleep thanks to good ol insomnia and my brain thinking too much. And to top it off, I haven't been focusing on my studies. And I've been focused on girls.
Girls. You never can understand them. I can't understand them. Girls don't understand girls. And girls don't understand guys. This world is a puzzle in itself. The own complexities of this universe alone is enough to drive someone insane.
This all started with one girl. And it will end with me.
Met a girl a while back. Hit it off well. I was bragging that things were going well between us. I thought so anyways. Turns out when I asked her to a movie Sunday, she turned me down. Or was she lying? I may never know. Who even knows....
But that's it though. I don't know if she was lying or not. She turned me down intentionally because she didn't want to go to the movies with someone she's never met before(granted we've only known each other for 2 weeks, during that time I gave her a gift already).
This post won't revolve around girls. It revolves around the obstacles in my life. I thought that the world was bad already, I have to deal with my own inner struggles like everyone else.
-Insomnia
-Girl problems
-Focus on School work
-Struggling as an artist(both 3D and drawing 1)
-Confidence in myself
Look at myself. I'm awake at 3:00 a.m. in the morning, have class in 5 hours and I'm worrying about girl problems. To top it off, I don't have my drawing homework done, I have a test in two weeks, and I haven't been studying as hard as I need to be. What the hell is wrong with my life?
Where is my focus? Where did I go astray and decide, hmmm.... let's do everything opposite that I dedicated myself to do.
No, this isn't me. This isn't who I built myself to be in the first place.
So here I am. The same 21 year old in college. Miserable, having an identity crisis, and not able to accept what he wants in life. Someone please contact me when I finally have my sanity and full answers to my life, let me know. Don't even freaking hesitate...
That's it for now. Good night or good morning to all.
